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March 26, 2013 7:02 am  #1


"Making" a Situation - Advice

Hey guys!  Before I jump into what I want to talk about, I sort of want to re-introduce myself to everyone. I just discovered this forum today, which turned out to be a very confusing experience for me.  I remember being active on the original forum, and then going to Fetlife when it closed, but I never really liked Fetlife because, for me, BDSM stuff is a major turn-off, so I hardly ever even logged in.  Today, I decided to go on for the first time in months and skim through the dacryphilia posts for anything that might interest me, and I happened upon the post that introduced this forum's creation.  I got really excited that it was back because I had really missed having a place with crying discussions that I could actually relate to, so I hurriedly went to register, but it told me I already had an account!  I guess somehow I had gotten away from this new site for long enough that I started to associate everything that I posted on it as stuff from the original and just completely 100% forgot that had been remade at all.  I can't really fathom how that could happen, because this website really meant a lot to me and I've missed it, but I suppose I've heard of weirder things...

Anyhow, this is actually the perfect time for me to have rediscovered the site, because I've been thinking about something crying-related a lot this past week and I'd like to get some of your opinions on it.  

To give you a bit of background to the situation, my boyfriend has been in the military for three years (we've been dating for four) and he hates it.  He gets treated unbelievably poorly and he doesn't like every aspect of his life being controlled as it is.  During a few particularly stressful times, he has even called me crying, or I have been able to tell that he had been crying right before he called me; however, he typically seems able to handle things, and when we talk about the military in person he never goes beyond annoyed ranting.  Even so, I always tell him I'm there and make sure he knows he can come to me if things get bad.  A few months ago, I even specifically asked him if there was something going on because I had been noticing him making a lot of jokes and allusions about depression, but he told me that, while there may have been times over the experience that he had been depressed, he was starting to get over it and was handling things better now.  I still didn't stop worrying about him, of course, but I did find that somewhat of a relief.

However, very recently, some bad things have happened to him, and about a week ago he called me and said he had been sent to medical for having a mental breakdown at work.  When I asked him why, he admitted that he had been having them since he started and had just been hiding or having them around the uncaring majority of people he works for.  He also admitted that he's been dealing with depression the whole time, too, but had just been too in denial to acknowledge it in its entirety.  Now that it's out in the open at work, other things might result which could cause his coworkers to be even harder on him.  

So overall, he's in a really bad place right now, and I've been thinking a lot about the next time I visit him.  I feel like, because he's finally coming to terms with everything, he's more likely to cry around me than he was before, and I feel a little sick for wondering, but I was trying to think of subtle ways that I could act that might lead him into a crying situation.  Obviously, comforting him of all people is my dream scenario, but all of that aside, I think it might also help him to let go around me.  Yes, he's cried on the phone to me a couple of times (very apologetically at first, might I add), but with our primarily long-distance relationship, I feel like I haven't really gotten the opportunity to be there for him much, and since he transitioned from a bad home environment to a borderline abusive work environment, I think it might be good for him to see that someone out there will make him feel safe and loved, even in his worst moments.  

Anyway, I know we all pretty much dissect everything there is to know about crying, so I wanted to enlist your input on anything I could do on my next visit that might encourage him to open up.  I've already told him I can't wait to see him again and that I want to be there for him however I can, but I say things like that a lot, so I'd be interested in talking about any subtle cues that you guys may have noticed help in these situations.

 

March 26, 2013 10:07 pm  #2


Re: "Making" a Situation - Advice

Great to see you back, Punkchick!  Love to see you stick around for a lot longer this time!

I have a feeling we already have a thread somewhere on the best techniques to encourage people to open up, but I can't remember where that thread would be and it probably wouldn't even be labeled as such, so I'm not suggesting you spend a bunch of time looking for it or anything, but browsing the forum might be fun for you anyway (since you've been away a while) and in the process, you might notice some things here and there that are useful...

I would write more right now but I have to go!  Quickly, off the top of my head, I find the best advice (for me personally) is to be quiet and not talk too much.  Actually, if you read my Short Fic #2 (in the fic section), you will totally see the 'techniques' I would use to help get a guy to open up.  I don't really have any experience to speak of, though, so it's all theoretical.  Any actual opening up of guys with me has just HAPPENED, completely on their on accord, and virtually nothing to do with me or my behaviors.  Any guy I've been eyeing for a while and hoping to see crack and encourage in that direction... no deal.  Yet.  

Considering he's depressed and he's your boyfriend, I bet there's a good chance of it happening no matter what you do.  I hope things improve for him. 

 

March 26, 2013 11:11 pm  #3


Re: "Making" a Situation - Advice

Talking face to face not over the phone is the best way. Encourgage him to talk openly about the issues he is experiencing. Let him do most of the talking, explore his emotions and feelings. This may also help him express his feelings and confront some of the issues he has as well as potentially making him cry. Make sure you will both not be distrubed and ensure there are no other distractions like a tv or radio. Speak quietly and softely, agree with his feelings, acknowledge that how he is feeling is crap and that he is not in a good place. Sometimes you need to accept that things are not good before you can start to climb out the other side. Put him at the centre of the conversation, don't talk about your feelings. It's his feelings that are important.

If he starts to look emotional don't react immediately - ignore wet eyes and a slight wobbly voice - jumping in too quickly when the emotions have not peaked could cause them to disappear. Only react when he clearly starts to cry - i.e. tears begin to fall, voice cracks completely, he begins to sob. Even at this point don't immediately hug him. One way that may help him to actually start crying fully is at this point hold both his hands and say something like 'I've got you' or 'I'm here for you'. Avoid saying it's ok - it clearly isn't - or saying something like 'it's ok to cry' - don't remind him he's on the verge of tears. Also, by holding his hands you are gently preventing him from wiping away any tears - although don't force him if he really really wants to. I feel and I've seen it with other guys and womens as well that once that first tear has fallen you can no longer deny that you are crying (including to yourself) so the floodgate can open, tears start to fall freely and before you know it your crying.

He can obviously cry, he's done it on the phone to you. How did he react, did he mention that he was crying? Also, have you ever seen him cry before, if you have how did he physically react?

Oh, one other thing - try to make eye contact as much as possible - he may bow his head to cry but try and look directly at him as much as possible. Don't stare but try and have a look of love and concern, your face should say - it's ok to cry. If you get emotional don't try to hide your emotions, let yourself cry. There's not point encouraging him to cry if you fight your own tears. If you do cry, don't wipe your tears let them fall unchecked - try not to talk when you are crying so you cry quietly without the wobbly voice. Seeing you cry and your tears falling freely will send the signal that his tears are ok.

Hope this helps, most of the above is observations from my own crying experiences in front of another women - it's won't work or be the same for everyone but some points may work for you and your husband.

Good luck, hope it helps both your husband address the issues he's feeling and you experience a close emotional moment - but always remember to look after him before your desire to see him cry - which I know you would do anyway.

 

March 26, 2013 11:54 pm  #4


Re: "Making" a Situation - Advice

Thanks for all the advice so far.  

As far as his crying on the phone, he's done it three times.  The first time was a very short call and we were both crying very heavily (I couldn't really understand most of his words at one point).  I didn't hear him mention his crying then, but he called me back maybe an hour later when he had more time to talk. At that point, he was completely collected again and he apologized for breaking down, though I assured him it was fine and reminded him I had done the same.

The second time was a longer call, and he was crying enough to sob/affect his inflection at times, but he was much more comprehensible.  During this call, he kept saying things like, "I'm sorry I'm crying, I just can't stop," and "I'm not really as upset as I seem, I just really can't stop crying.  I'm sorry."  (He definitely sounded upset for reasons other than just the crying itself, so I felt like that part was said in embarrassment, although I did believe he meant it that he couldn't stop).  The first two times he said these things, I just told him that it was okay, but when he apologized a third time I outright told him I didn't mind and said he shouldn't worry about forcing himself to stop because crying would help him vent all his stress.  That was the last time he tried to apologize.

The third call lasted about 45 minutes, with him crying for at least the first half hour.  He didn't feel the need to apologize this time, but he did bring it up by saying, "I had to go through work today pretending everything was okay.  Now I'm just sitting in my room crying."  I'm not sure if he just said this as a way to express his frustrations with acting happy or if he also still felt awkward about the crying (I know that sometimes, if I feel awkward about something, even if it's completely obvious to the people around me, I still feel the need to state it).  

Those are the only experiences I've ever had with him directly crying.  He has referenced crying before, such as telling me he had a mental breakdown or once saying, "I cried earlier while I was talking to a friend at work," and all of these were after the second phone conversation, so I think explaining that I had no ill feelings about his crying probably did help him feel more comfortable about it around me.  

I've never been with him in person while he's cried, probably mainly because we've been long-distance for most of our relationship so I'm either never in the right place at the right time or he tries not to get too upset in our small amount of time together (probably a mixture of both).  However, I have seen him almost cry a couple of times.  I've heard his voice get thicker/emotional and seen his eyes grow more emotional and possibly even tear-filled (the few times this has happened, it was typically dark or we were cuddling, so my view of his eyes was very limited).  However, his voice never broke and he never had any real tears or sobs while I was with him.  In these emotional instances, he made no acknowledgement, physical or verbal, about being close to tears.

Last edited by punkchick (March 26, 2013 11:58 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

March 29, 2013 10:10 am  #5


Re: "Making" a Situation - Advice

I sounds like he might be ok crying in front of you 1-2-1. That said it tends to be easier for a guy to cry openly alone over the phone than in front of someone. Even though other aspects of crying are completely obvious to the person on the other end of the phone and there is no doubt the guy is crying many seam to have a real problem with tears. In my experience guys hate tears, more so when someone else can see them.

I don't know if it comes from the idea that guys don't shed tears. I believe this perception is down to the fact guys can get a hold of their emotions quicker so tears don't form so much. But if a guy breaks down and cries then tears and sometime quite a lot of them will spill from their eyes. And this visual confirmation that they are 100% definitely crying is difficult for guys to handle I think.

Has he send you cry? How did he react? Wipe / Kiss your tears etc.

 

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