Last night I went to see the movie Inside Out in the theater with a former co-star (a guy I'll call M) and a friend of his (a girl I'll call K). I was already in a really emotional mood because of hormones and because of life issues, but I thought that getting out of the house would help. M even said to me, "Come see this movie, it'll be an emotional release" and I told him "I'm not much of a crier."

Famous last words.

We saw the movie in 3D. My first bad sign was when I found myself tearing up behind my 3D glasses during the short animation film prior to the movie. Then I found myself tearing up during the first scene of the movie, too. After that it was funny for a while, but when it got to the part about the girl crying at school I grew teary yet again (seeing others cry, even fictional characters, really gets to me).

If you ever want some obs, go see this movie. During the emotional core of the movie I noticed both M and K take off their 3D glasses at various times to wipe their eyes with their hands. I refused to do this myself because dammit, that would mean admitting I was crying, so when tears trickled down (and god, they did) I'd just wipe the most obvious part of the tear quickly with my hand and then rub my hand on my shirt.

During the saddest part, I kind of folded into myself, drawing my knees to my chest, because M and K were crying and the movie was sad and I just couldn't deal. But my nose kept trying to run from that angle, so I stopped that. I tried not to breath too hard for the rest of the thing because I knew it would come out as a sniffle (and dammit, I thought, I'M NOT CRYING). I heard sniffles from various other parts of the theater, too, which told me we weren't the only ones crying.

Once we left the theater, I noticed that K had mascara under her eye a little. We walked outside and M asked me what I'd thought of the movie. I told him I liked it, but that it probably wasn't a good idea to see it while I was already upset. We sat down on a bench outside, K and M lit up cigarettes, and M asked me if I wanted to talk about what was wrong. I said "If I do, I'll cry."

M said, "I get it, I don't always like to cry in front of people, either. But I don't mind if you do." I made a joke about how they'd both seen me cry before anyway (I had an emotional scene in character with M in the film we were in, and K had seen that movie.) K (who I actually hadn't even met prior to that night) chimed in, "Yeah, and you just saw me cry for like, half an hour at that movie. It's okay."

And well... I'm not very old yet and still just a kid in many ways, and I really needed someone to talk to, so that just kind of broke me and I told them what was going on. And my voice broke and tears started coming down, which I kept wiping away with my hands and wiping my nose on the side of my shirt. I put my face down on my knees and cried a little but then laughed through my tears, saying, "I got mascara on my leg." (I had shorts on.) I got snot on my leg, too, which... gross. (If I were a boy, I guess I'd be in love with me, but when it's me that's just gross and embarrassing.)

I finally remembered that I probably had tissues in my purse and thought that it would be stupid not to get one since I obviously needed it (ugh, admitting defeat). I opened my purse and felt around in it, muttering "Ugh, I know I have a tissue in here somewhere." I found my pack of them and pulled one out and wiped my eyes and my nose. People kept walking by and I didn't even care at that point (whatever, I'm an actress, I cry in front of whole film crews for a living), I just kept crying and talking to M and K. Out of habit I folded my tissue into a neat little square and kept getting it all soggy with mascara.

When I finally talked out the worst of it I pulled my knees up again and put my face down and started sobbing. I didn't bother to wipe my face or anything, too upset, I just cried. I finally stuck my hand out and muttered to M "Can you hold my hand?" so he did. I kept feeling like I couldn't hide my face well enough, and I wanted to. But I cried for a while like that.

When I stopped I wiped my nose and looked up at them kind of pitifully. K offered me her last cigarette (I hardly ever even smoke) which was really nice. We all talked about how sometimes it's nice to just break down, how it's hard but it's necessary. They told stories of times it had happened to them. I smoked and tried to rub the rest of the mascara from under my eyes. I thought that I should probably get a second tissue but was too wrapped up emotionally to bother.

After finally leaving, I texted one of my best friends (a mutual friend of mine and M's and another actor) about what a strange night I'd had. We're very close but he often shows his love via humor and sarcasm, so we texted each other silly hashtags for a while. But he finally texted, "I hide that I'm a mess too, you just haven't caught me yet. I hope you're okay, I love you."

Yet, huh? I guess it's all okay. I hope that we drama kids can let it out in real life a little more often, because it's nice to find comfort in friends.