Hey all! You may remember me as the actress with the crying kink around these parts. Well, a lot has happened since I posted last. I've gone through some hard times: a breakup as well as some family issues, but at the same time, my career has really taken off. I've graduated from student films into paid work and bigger indies, which is really exciting for me. It makes for MUCH higher production value and better co-stars. I'd hoped for a while that this would equal better criers, and today... boy did I get my wish!

I admit that at first I was intimidated to work with F (not even his real first initial because I'm paranoid, lol). While he's always nice and polite, he doesn't really talk or joke around much on set, often seeming instead like he's in his own little world. I don't know whether it's because he just takes his job really seriously or if he really is stand-offish, but I never bugged him much because I was afraid he didn't like me.

Which was really too bad, because HOLY WOW he is hot. He's in his 20's, white, a tad under six feet tall, with a body that I wouldn't exactly call buff but definitely not skinny or lanky, either. He has some really nice strong-looking arms, for one! He has kind of shaggy hair (right now anyway) and an AMAZING smile. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a crush on him from day one.

When I got the latest copy of the script (the night before... yeah, welcome to my world) I was both shocked and paralyzed to see that F AND I HAD A CRYING SCENE TOGETHER. I felt like the world stopped spinning. Not only was this my biggest dream, but F is kind of known in the biz for his amazing crying. And now I was going to experience it first hand!

I guess my biggest fear was that when the time came, I wouldn't be able to make tears and they'd have to use drops on me, which tbh would have been really embarrassing. Like, here I am wanting to impress this really hot, talented guy and I can't even do my job!

When the scene came we were both given time to prepare. I did all my usual tricks, and while nerves were getting in the way at first, soon enough I was able to think about my usual triggers (as well as some recent traumas) and make my eyes fill. When I did this, I felt myself slipping into character and inhabiting the emotions she was feeling about her situation. While this wouldn't have made me cry on its own, now it exacerbated the situation and made me even tearier. I took a deep breath and was still, keeping my eyes full but not spilling. (Actor tears are precious, we can't waste them!!)

I said "I'm ready" and was brought out to see F. And there he was, with his big eyes just BRIMMING with tears and already red-rimmed. I had to just ignore him and concentrate on the script in order to not explode with glee.

The scene in question involved our two characters meeting up after a sad experience, both near tears, talking about it and breaking down. We did not hug in the script, though I was directed to touch his arm, shoulder, etc. at different times.

It was weird. Screen acting is a lot of stop-starting and short little takes, and waiting between takes while the crew changes positions or discusses things, and re-doing the same take a billion times over different ways or from different angles. A five-minute scene can take an hour or more to shoot. It was really, really hard to do this while in a fetish situation with the guy I have a crush on, and I think I slipped into "survival" mode and just buckled down and did it, not wanting to fail.

So it was kind of a blur. We both cried through the whole process, and we didn't talk or look at each other between takes because that would break character and probably make us stop crying. It's also really weird because the director and crew are all business as usual, ordering you around and re-positioning you as if you're not standing there with tears streaming. They don't acknowledge your crying at all unless it's something like "dial it back" or "more" while directing your acting.

But during the best of it... oh wow. Seriously the best experience of my life so far. F is such an amazing actor that any fears I had about not being able to cry around him were unfounded. He was so real, so vulnerable and raw, that he just pulled me in. Seeing someone cry so realistically made my tears flow just like it would have in a real-life situation. In scene, looking right into his teary eyes, watching them shed big tears as he spoke. His whole body seemed to inhabit this character, shaky hands and nervous mannerisms. I remember his nose running a couple of times but no one acknowledged it. He sniffled a lot and wiped it on his wrist between takes and once or twice in-scene. The director didn't complain. I think I did the same once or twice, too. By mid-way through he had grown quite blotchy and red-rimmed, it was amazing.

So we went on like that, amazingly intimate in-scene and then totally ignoring one another (and everyone/everything else) between takes. After an indeterminate amount of time (seriously, it might have been fifteen minutes or two hours, I was not in a state to keep track) the scene wrapped.

AND THEN. AND THEN, AND THEN...

I was having some trouble "coming down" from the scene (I envy those actors who can be sobbing on-camera and then snap right back into cracking jokes once "cut" is called) and put my hand over my mouth, shuddering a little and still teary. F, face still full of tears, turned right too me as if we were BFF, OPENED HIS ARMS, went "Aww, (my name)!" and pulled me into a great big hug! I was crying and laughing and so was he, I felt him shudder and heard the tears and snot in his voice. "That was intense," he laughed, squeezing me. I could only bring myself to giggle "yeah".

Someone brought a Kleenex box (another perk of higher-budget movies, actors get Kleenex!) and F took two, but used his sleeves to wipe the tracks of the tears off his cheeks. He folded his tissues, messed with them a second, and then kind of half-wiped-half-blew his nose (it's hard to explain). He did that once more and then crumpled it in his hand. I took one, dabbed my eyes and blew my nose, but not really as much as I needed because I didn't want it to be loud and gross, especially not in front of him! Come to think of it, that's probably exactly what F was trying to do, too. Aww. After that I just held it in my hand and wiped my nose from time to time while we talked.

F and I chatted for the first real time, him asking me about my acting background and what I like to do, etc. I was surprised. Usually he's so reserved on set. Sadly, it ended far too soon, and now I'm home. I have his number and I'm wondering if I should text him (I'm pretty sure he's single). Because I have a MAJOR crush! Part of me wants to ask him out for drinks sometime but maybe I should just break the ice with a joke about today or something. We have a few more days of shooting together and I don't want to make things weird, either if he isn't into me or if he is.

But I seriously need to ask this guy out sometime. Like wow.