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August 2, 2017 7:01 am  #1


Feelings when not crying

I know that you all would like me to describe tears flowing down my face, sobbing, but I am not ready fort hat. That’s why I will describe you how it feels not to cry from an experience last week. I never felt something similar in my life. I am quite used to not cry, I know the lump in the throath, I know the watering oft he eyes, the running nose – but this time was different.
I was in vacation together with my family. We rented a car in a country where you have to drive on the left, whereas I come from we drive on the right hand side. It is a little bit tricky, especially at the beginning, not the driving on the left but the size of the car on the left hand side. Crossing cars always seem to bee much too near to the drivers side and the fellow passenger is shrieking in dispair of hitting the wayside because the driver tends to drive very close to the edge of the road. We are bouth driving my husband and I and we have the same problem and it was something like a running gag  «careful, I have to squeeze in my buttock, you are driving very left ».
The first drive my husband got in the car on the wrong side and I was the one at the steering weel. Actually he said he didn’t care who is the driver first, but I guess that is when the whole mess started. Our kids were booing out daddy from the back sits, that mommy is the first driver and took it very funny.
In the following days we changed the driver evey day my husband and I and I soon stopped doing the «be careful my bootock» thing. As for my husband he couldn’t stop nudging at my driving style. I told him it was not funny anymore but he couldn’t stop. When somebody is nuding at you the whole time you get insecure driving and I asked him if he would like to drive instead of me but he didn’t want to because ist was «my day».
One day I got loud when he did his thing again and told him «Just stop, I am doing my best, I can’t just hit a crossing car whereas driving left and touching some weeds withe the side of the car is not a problem». That was the point wher my husband completely flipped out. You have to know that he is of «the angry type» with a violent temper. He shouted at me that he would like to hit me straight in the face and that I would be a case for the mental hospital. That hurt so much. I was still driving and had to keep driving, no sound from the backseats from the children and I knew that they had been shocked as well.
I couldn’t reply at that moment, just later on I asked my husband about some respect and he laughed me straight in the face.
For the feelings : it wasn’t just clenched teeth, lip biting and the lump in the throat and not being able to talk, this time it was more. The lump grew into a havy stone first sitting in the throat, afterwards going down to the chest, just sitting there and make it very difficult to breath. It was a physical pain, muscles cramping from the neck to the throat, down tot he belly. It was searing hot inside and I felt sick. But the worst was my head: my eyes felt like popping out any second there was such a pressure on them, no moist in them just dry like a desert. There was a weight pounding inside my skull affecting my front, it felt like somebody was inside my head punching my brain out.
My thoughts were rushing and I was on autopilot, it felt like a survival modus. I had to just push away what I heard from my husband to keep going. After an hour or so I was able to  breath normaly, just my head stayed on for a much longer time.
I was not able to cry later, the moment was just gone. Even writing it down now makes it seem lesser than it had been to me, like a bagatelle not being worth to cry about.
Did you ever experience something similar?

Last edited by flatter (August 2, 2017 7:03 am)

 

August 2, 2017 1:19 pm  #2


Re: Feelings when not crying

What you experienced, I believe, was the "fight or flight" response - you were under attack. You were trapped with no way out, and that fear and rage were what you felt. 

​I've been in similar situations, and what you've written was not a bagatelle - it was a VERY scary experience and from your description, your husband does not sound like a very nice person. In fact, I may be overreacting, but are you safe with him? And are the children safe? Just the yelling could be considered emotional abuse, especially if this is something that happens with any frequency.

But as I said, I may be overreacting. I'm very protective by nature, and when I hear of someone being bullied it makes me want to help that person out.


"We have our stalking memories, and they will demand their rightful tears."
Anonymous
 

August 3, 2017 12:13 am  #3


Re: Feelings when not crying

I agree with caircair. All crying stuff aside, you do not deserve to be treated like that, by anyone, ever. 


It is such a secret place, the land of tears.
-- Antoine de Saint Exupery, "The Little Prince"
 

August 6, 2017 5:55 am  #4


Re: Feelings when not crying

I am fighting for being treated well by behaving or trying to behave "correctly". If I get loud and angry my counterpart will get loud and angry too, it works quite well... I know that communication is essential but it is the most difficult thing in the world. I am ok with my husband, he is short tempered, only verbally otherwise he has a lot of good sides on him as well. I just described the facts bringing me to my fight or flight reaction like you described it because it is more interesting reading about things in context and I don't expose anybody on the forum besides me and my husband. I think you are correct about the fight and flight reaction, I never thought about this aspect. I was more thinking about tears because of recent posts and me being somebody not crying easily. Thank you for your concern!

     Thread Starter
 

August 19, 2017 2:53 pm  #5


Re: Feelings when not crying

I agree with the other comment - treating someone (let alone your wife) in this way is not on! Obviously you know the world you live in better than any of us but you should not make excuses for his behaviour.

​You would have been 110% justified to burst into tears in this situation - and if you felt you could not allow yourself to cry at the time I wish you had been able to relieve the emotional stress later on with tears.

Look after yourself 

 

September 7, 2017 5:13 am  #6


Re: Feelings when not crying

How awful for you! You don't deserve to be treated that way, whether or not you behave 'correctly'. Are the kids ok? Incidents like that can destabilize them and make them feel unsafe.

I hope things are better now.

Last edited by PhoebeOnThePhone (September 7, 2017 5:15 am)

 

September 10, 2017 10:25 am  #7


Re: Feelings when not crying

The main reason I don't break down is because of the kids. But you are correct, my feelings were as terrible as crying, just no sobbing and no tears and I know that the kids realize the distess I am in. I had a discussion with my husband later and things are better now. Sometimes I seriously worry about destroying someting in our kids, letting them experience such violence, but I am only human and can't fix everything for them. 

     Thread Starter
 

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