Since the time i fell for the guy with the tickling fetish who was teasing me and to whom i told about this i think this obsession is losing strenght somehow. I no longer feel the need to look for crying clips on the net and strangely every time i see a scene with a man crying in a movie i don't feel my attention drawn as it used to. I had a very intense infatuation with that guy and because it affected me psychollogically i argued with him and he cut me off from facebook. We're still seeing each other at work and after our argument he was very angry and sad and i made monumental efforts to focus on my job and not look at him, not to distract him from his work or convince myself not to be distracted from mine.

The effort to disengage from this situation, knowing i still care about him made me lose weight and i entered in some sort of depression. I feared losing my job and my mind and i struggled deeply to control my reactions in his presence because he was so mad at me for what i said to him last time that i feared he was going to cause trouble for me at work. He accused me for gossiping about him which it wasn't true at all and i guessed he feared i might reveal personal things about him. I put all my strenght in work and i got nice results at the end of the year though i miss talking to him (even if he abused me verbally and wronged me). Every time i see a crying scene in a movie i remember him and  i scold myself for my mistake of talking to him about this and disclosing what ought to have been my secret..
I can't tell exactly what makes it so, but i think i'm healing now or at least i will no longer be able to enjoy seeing men crying. I feel some sort of detachment or weariness i can't put my finger on..since the pain and struggle i've been through left their marks on my psyche..
The day after our argument i tripped over him while walking out of the bathroom ( we have a unisex toilet at work) and i saw his eyes that were sort of shiny or moist , he smiled bitterly or ironically at me and the surge of barely contained passion and sadness mixed with guilt made me almost dizzy. I sat down at my chair and forced to focus on the calls i was receiving and got out of that memory while feelling pain in my chest and a deep urge to cry or calm myself to the point i sort of trancended that state. In less then a minute or so  i was refreshed and concetrated on my job out of great angst on not making a mistake or a fool of myself.

I managed to be more self contained from then on, observing with detachement what goes on around me..i exercised this untill whatever urges or strange feelings i used to live once are becoming redundant, sort of old. I can't put my finger on what changed within yet or wether i will come back to my usual way of addresing this obsession. I wonder wether this was sort of a karmic situation where we met both of us to overcome our paraphilias or improve on them . I feel some sort of shame now for causing him pain along with the misunderstanding that was created. We've become estranged and yet each of us knows something about the other that is so intimate and unusual....

I still wonder what kind of potential could have resided in such a relationship and maybe if it wasn't for the work and this self imposed discipline that is demanded by it how we could have came by..
 

Last edited by psychic_girl (January 4, 2016 3:12 pm)