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July 27, 2017 3:33 pm  #1


Male Observation...

Ok, decided I should post this for you... occurred a few months ago...

​I recently went through a period of very intense counselling with a male councillor. Something I was initially very hesitant about as I knew the process and subject matter would have me frequently in tears. I felt uncomfortable about crying in front of another male... I've always felt females are more accepting and better at dealing with tears, and acknowledging a few exceptions, most of my crying (where another person has been present) has been with females.

But it was going to be months before I could get a female counsellor so reluctantly agreed to work with this guy. Before I even met him I had told myself that this guy is going to see me cry and that's just the reality of the situation - he's probably seen it loads of times and I'll be no different to anyone else. I won't see him after we are done so everything will be fine.

​When we first met we very quickly got on and I instantly felt he was someone I could trust. The subject matter was incredibly powerful and emotional for me so even on our first session I started to cry at one point. As my voice wobbled and eyes filled with tears I initially felt very self conscious and embarrassed! I stopped talking to try and get a hold of my emotions. As I sat there silently, bottom lip trembling, tears began to spill from my eyes. I started to rub my eyes to hide the emerging tears! I didn't feel comfortable crying with this guy watching on.

​He then told me to let myself cry... he told me it was ok to cry... he acknowledged that I was really already crying so nothing more to hide... he told me that guys should feel free to cry and not hide it... told me to stop wiping my tears away! He admitted to me at this first session that he also from time to time cries and allows his tears to flow.

​At that I began to quietly sob! My breathing became more rapid and my shoulders and stomach shook as the emotions burst forth. The tears came faster and initially I continued to try and wipe them away but they were falling faster and faster and tears were starting to roll down my cheeks before I could catch them. I tipped my head forward in a futile attempt to hide my tears - felt one dripped from my eyes.

​He told me to look at him... to lift my head and make eye contact with him. After a few moments and some further words of encouragement I did so - went to wipe a tear and he said gently... "put your hand by your side". There I was looking directly at this male through tear filled eyes, bottom lip shaking, wobbly breathing! I felt tears roll down my face unchecked - it still didn't feel particularly comfortable to me. As I looked at him, crying uncontrollably he gently said - "this is a huge deal for you" - "I'd be surprised, and concerned if you did not cry" - "I'm actually pleased that you are able to cry about this" - "and yes, I can see that you are crying, I can see your tears - so you don't have anything to be embarrassed about because I've seen you cry and I want you to be comfortable to cry whenever you feel you need to".

​I spent the next 10 minutes sobbing, trying to mumble through my story - breaking down every so often when I could not speak... all the time tears streamed down my face, ran down my neck and dripped from my chin! Fairly quickly the fact I was crying was no longer the main issue... telling this guy my problems with or without tears was the most important thing. I think I cried at least once at all of our subsequent 15 sessions!

​Anyway, that's all back story... about two thirds of the way through our time together about session 9 or 10 I was going into detail about the impact on my family and various topics related to how I was coping with other people. I was in tears and talking very openly and in great detail.

​As I spoke I saw this eyes sparkle at the corners... I was to engrossed in my story to really notice but I remember it now so my emotion sensors where obviously still working. A few seconds later I clear saw his eyes fill with tears. I could see that line of water building up against his lower eye lid. I kept talking (and crying) but it was at that point I first registered that I thought he was getting upset. As I continued, his eyes continued to slowly fill with tears and I noticed his bottom lip quiver!

I stopped talking at the point where his eyes where brimming with tears and clearly very emotional. I didn't say anything as I looked at him with my tear stained face. He took a deep breath, sighed and in a very thick emotional, wobbly voice said "your story is very powerful and moving" - "don't worry about my tears, please continue". This eyes appeared to drain a bit at this point and he sniffed once but as I began to speak again his eyes started to refill and his chin wobbled just a little bit.

​His eyes reached the point where tears were brimming on his lower lid. They appeared to hang there for several minutes, I could see the tears moving from one side of his eye to the other as he tilted he head slightly. Then eventfully I watched as tears slowly fell through his eye lashes (both eyes together) and large tears ran down his cheeks leaving a very clear tear line down his face. I paused for a second, "it's ok, please continue" he said through a higher pitched voice than normal.

A fresh wave of emotion hit me and I began to cry harder and fresh tears ran down my cheeks. I continued with a more emotional voice feeling my tears on my face and watching fresh tears fill the tear stains on his face! It felt odd crying 'with' another guy. Although I've seen guys cry before it's rare to watch a guy shed tears in so much detail. Most of his tears run down the same line and started to drip off his chin, one tear ran down this side of his nose. We probably cried together like this for a further 5 - 10 minutes!

​As our session was coming to a close we both went for the tissues - he blew his nose but did not wipe his wet face - tear streaks clearly visible down his face! His eyes (which were brown) where red rimmed and his tear ducts were very pink. "Now you've seen me cry" he smiled, "that was very moving" - "thank you for sharing in so much detail".

​That was the only time he openly cried but at out last session his eyes did start to water and there was clearly tears forming but this time they did not fall.

Hope you enjoyed the observation... ;o)        

 

July 27, 2017 9:17 pm  #2


Re: Male Observation...

Wow. Your observations are always so incredible, and this one is no exception! What are the odds that you'd end up with a counselor who immediately zeroed in on your tears like that and gave you direction on how to cry? 

I don't suppose you ever told him about your own fascination with tears, did you?


It is such a secret place, the land of tears.
-- Antoine de Saint Exupery, "The Little Prince"
 

July 28, 2017 2:04 am  #3


Re: Male Observation...

Another tearhunter obs for me to tuck away and read again later.

It seems like you weren’t bothered by his crying. Did you feel more comfortable because he verbally prompted you to continue talking? Was there anything else that he did to make his own crying less distracting or bothersome to you? In terms of professionalism, do you think he handled his crying appropriately, or was there anything else that you wish he had done at that time? I ask because, despite my most disciplined efforts, I have on occasion cried in front of patients. 

 

July 28, 2017 9:10 am  #4


Re: Male Observation...

meantangerine wrote:

Wow. Your observations are always so incredible, and this one is no exception! What are the odds that you'd end up with a counselor who immediately zeroed in on your tears like that and gave you direction on how to cry? 

I don't suppose you ever told him about your own fascination with tears, did you?

​Probably should have said in my original account... I voiced reservations with the organisation about going with a male counsellor because I felt I might be uncomfortable crying in front of him. I was worried that my embarrassment crying would impact on the work we needed to do. I spoke briefly with a female counsellor first about my fears. She convinced me to have an initial phone chat with the male counsellor. She felt discussing my likelihood to cry over the phone first rather than face to face would help.

​So, I had a 15 - 20 minute chat over the phone just about my crying! So before physically seeing him he knew I had concerns about it which probably prompted the responses and actions at our initial session when I started crying.

​He told me on the phone that he believed crying was beneficial for the vast majority of people in my situation. He also believed that males and females should feel able to cry whenever they felt the need and that generally people don't cry enough - especially males. He told me on the phone that he cried regularly (didn't say exactly how often) and felt no embarrassment or shame in telling me that.

​I found the whole organisation very pro-crying and pro-tears. I saw three other females in five pre-assessment appointments and shed tears in front of every one of them at every appointment! With the females I felt immediately at ease and cried very easily without any bad feelings at all - they just created the right environment to be emotional in. I cried in front of the woman discussing my reluctance to cry in front of a male counsellor - she asked me what it felt like having her watch tears run down my cheeks. Which I said was ok because I felt she understood tears better and I felt less guilty and ashamed - to which she said my planned male counsellor will be exactly the same. She said the vast majority of people that come through these door for treatment cry - very few don't cry at some point. And the guys tend to cry more! This type of condition appears to make males cry!

​I didn't tell anyone about my crying fetish - I didn't want it to get in the way as it had no real baring on why I was there. I did wonder afterwards whether he would have acted different if he knew - would he have wiped his tears away? would he have not cried at all?  
 

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July 28, 2017 9:41 am  #5


Re: Male Observation...

truffle wrote:

Another tearhunter obs for me to tuck away and read again later.

It seems like you weren’t bothered by his crying. Did you feel more comfortable because he verbally prompted you to continue talking? Was there anything else that he did to make his own crying less distracting or bothersome to you? In terms of professionalism, do you think he handled his crying appropriately, or was there anything else that you wish he had done at that time? I ask because, despite my most disciplined efforts, I have on occasion cried in front of patients. 

​Seeing him cry didn't bother me at all - well not that I was annoyed or felt he should have kept his emotions in check. But the time he cried we had spent a lot of time together and we had a very good open and honest relationship going on. By this time he had watched countless tears roll down my face and witnessed me sobbing uncontrollably several times. We had talked about crying several times - it was him who introduced me to therapeutic crying - mostly we discussed my crying but he did admit several times to his own crying and the fact he generally allowed his tears to flow unchecked down his cheeks.

​Whether this is unique to me because of my 'interest' in crying but the way he cried made a difference. Not once did he make any attempt to hide his emotions. Not one tear was wiped away - even at the end he blew his nose but left the very visible tear tracks intact on his cheeks. He never sobbed, slight chin wobble and tears - with a changed voice when he spoke. I was actually a bit turned on when the tears formed in his eyes and physically turned on when they fell down he cheek! The movement of his tears was mesmerising!

​From a professional point of view I don't feel his crying was inappropriate. It showed empathy, he was genuinely moved to tears by what I was saying. He didn't make his tears an issue but he didn't hide them either. Perhaps if he had made an obvious attempt to stop crying, or grabbed a bunch of tissues mid-way through it would have been distracting for me and what I was saying. At the points I paused when he was clearly starting to cry he never acknowledge his tears, just encouraged me to continue. Only at the end did he say that now I had seen him cry - but there was no hint of embarrassment or regret that he'd cried. He told me it was what I was saying that made him cry.

​I imagine not everyone is the same... how did people react when you cried? How did you react? Did you allow tears to fall?

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July 28, 2017 10:15 am  #6


Re: Male Observation...

Meant to add... this is the only time where I have been in the presence of another male where both of us have been crying at the same time. Although it's difficult to compare as no two occasions are the same and we'd also built up a unique relationship by this point I think I liked the fact he cried. I have cried with several females (most notably my wife) and I've felt a very close connection - sharing tears with one another is a very intimate moment. Although there is no sexual aspect, I got turned on by his tears not the guy behind them - I felt that special intimacy in this moment as well - even two straight guys crying together is a very special moment.

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July 28, 2017 8:54 pm  #7


Re: Male Observation...

I'm impressed that a counsellor would let himself do that. I always think of counsellors as people who are always in control - people who are helpful and understanding but always a little distant and analytical. Obviously him crying in front of you helped ease your reservations about crying in front of another man. I don't know if that would work in my case. Like you I think I'd be more comfortable crying in front of a woman than a man. I'm also far less comfortable watching another man cry.


Ugly crying is pretty crying
 

July 28, 2017 8:57 pm  #8


Re: Male Observation...

You make me think I should look for an attractive male counsellor. http://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/wink.png
  I have thought of this before, of course, but for all the money I would spend on one, I have seriously doubted I could say anything moving enough that would make him cry.  My problems and disappointments in life seem to mostly be due to my flaws as opposed to some dramatic, touching or powerful story I could tell.  But anyway, interesting to hear what your counsellor said and how he dealt with everything.  

Kind of a weird question and I know you have no other context in which you know him, but do you think if you were to have met him in another way if you would have been able to tell if he was the type who would cry openly and be very open about others crying?  In other words, is there a sort of vibe exuding from him that you think would be perceptible outside of the counselling office as being that type of guy?  Some men with a gentle voice or sweet personality strike me as being more likely to be criers, for example, or who have mannerisms that are more feminine, although these things don't necessarily correlate...

 

July 29, 2017 10:15 am  #9


Re: Male Observation...

TorNorth wrote:

I'm impressed that a counsellor would let himself do that. I always think of counsellors as people who are always in control - people who are helpful and understanding but always a little distant and analytical. Obviously him crying in front of you helped ease your reservations about crying in front of another man. I don't know if that would work in my case. Like you I think I'd be more comfortable crying in front of a woman than a man. I'm also far less comfortable watching another man cry.

​I think it was because we got on so well and by this point had built up a good relationship. We had a number of things in common. He was all that you mention above, supportive, analytical but not distant - he was very empathic and I felt he understood and felt what I was going through. Perhaps it's his sense of empathy that caused him to cry.

​As I said before I was not keen to have a male counsellor because I was not comfortable crying in front of another guy. But when the reasons for crying are so big and powerful you eventually don't care about the tears! I was focusing on dealing with some really big and difficult issues which ultimately were more important to tackle than worrying about my crying and who was watching. It one of these being in that situation moments I think. 
 

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July 29, 2017 10:28 am  #10


Re: Male Observation...

woundedpuppy wrote:

You make me think I should look for an attractive male counsellor. http://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/wink.png
  I have thought of this before, of course, but for all the money I would spend on one, I have seriously doubted I could say anything moving enough that would make him cry.  My problems and disappointments in life seem to mostly be due to my flaws as opposed to some dramatic, touching or powerful story I could tell.  But anyway, interesting to hear what your counsellor said and how he dealt with everything.  

Kind of a weird question and I know you have no other context in which you know him, but do you think if you were to have met him in another way if you would have been able to tell if he was the type who would cry openly and be very open about others crying?  In other words, is there a sort of vibe exuding from him that you think would be perceptible outside of the counselling office as being that type of guy?  Some men with a gentle voice or sweet personality strike me as being more likely to be criers, for example, or who have mannerisms that are more feminine, although these things don't necessarily correlate...

​Difficult question to answer because right from our first discussions he admitted that from time to time he cries. I think he is an emotional guy and from what I know if him I'm sure he does cry outside the counselling room in his personal life. He had a very open attitude to crying. He was very much a guy who believed cry and shed tears was generally a beneficial thing to do - I believe he would practise what he preached and cry when he needed to.

​I would not say that any of your personal struggles could not make a counsellor cry. Again I thinks it's all about the counsellor feeling and then showing empathy. I don't know for certain but I think what I was talking about that day brought something up for him that was personal and moving for him. Where his professionalism came in was that he didn't make it about him - yes, he was emotional, yes tears visibly rolled down his cheeks... but he didn't make a big deal about it, he didn't sob, he didn't even reach for tissues until afterwards and he never told me exactly what made him cry. Only that what I said was very moving - what I said, not what he felt because of what I said.
 

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