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October 19, 2021 9:43 pm  #1


Boss obs

Here I share my obs with you. There are a few and I don't know how to start. I will be doing several posts because I need to remember and sort out a few things about how this trust came about between us and their breakdown. This woman's name will be Ana. Forgive me my google english :-)

Ana was my supervisor at work for many years. She was distant. A fair boss who takes care of her employees, but always with the necessary distance. We had a difficult clientele to deal with. There were often insults, but seldom physical assaults. She has always mastered such things confidently, calmly, in a friendly manner and I have asked myself very often how she did it without going crazy.
I had worked there for a couple of years when I noticed it left its mark on her. Her mask crumbled briefly in the meantime.
One day I needed Ana's signature on a form. Her office door was open about a foot. I could see her burying her face in her hands and scratching her hairline with her fingers. Should I go to her now or later? I needed that signature quickly, however. I knocked softly on Ana's door. She invited me in. Immediately she was back, as everyone knows: friendly and aloof. Her eyes told me that she was not doing well. They were slightly red, as if she was about to cry. I could also see a pack of tissues on her desk. This was still locked. Ana engaged me in brief, boisterous small talk. Her voice sounded "forced" normal. I would have liked to ask if I could do something for her, but I found it inappropriate. Guess it was the right decision not to ask. Ana signed my form and we both left her office.
After this first observation, I took a closer look because there was this tingling and excitement in my stomach. Then I can't help it. I always found her eyes very beautiful and fascinating. Shape, color, eyelashes, eyebrows, all of this is harmonious. With the slight reddening they are almost perfect and I imagined how beautiful they are when Ana is crying.
A few days later, I wanted to ask Ana if it would be okay if I left work an hour early. My colleagues warned me that Ana was not in a good mood, which made everyone insecure. Her office door was locked, that was rare. Ana didn't invite me when I knocked. We talked through the closed door. Her voice sounded more energetic than usual, but also more shaky. I found her voice very beautiful and I felt her pull herself together. Even though it's been many years, I still have that noise in my ears. Ana rudely told me I could leave early.
The next day Ana called me to her office. I was a little insecure because I caught her within a few days when she was feeling bad. Ana apologized for her behavior. I replied that it wasn't a problem for me. She is a human and not a machine.
In the following weeks there were always such small situations in which Ana was rude to me and others or I needed something from her when she didn't seem to be well. I wasn't the only employee there. But I got into these situations more and more often.
There were weekly supervisions in our facility and annual discussions with employees in which all bosses and department heads were present. My conversation was amusing and good. Laughed a lot and everyone was happy. After this conversation, Ana invited me over for coffee during the break. I was surprised. It was the first time that she even did something like this. We sat across from each other in the canteen. We made a few jokes and laughed heartily. Then Ana said: "Thank you". I didn't know why and looked at her questioningly. Apparently I looked so confused that Ana had to laugh again. Then she said seriously (as I remember it): "It may sound strange, but I'm a normal person too. As you said. Many see me as the boss who can take everything and is strong. Usually I can use my facade stop here but when I come home, it collapses and everything comes out that I suppress. I have often misbehaved in the last few weeks. That must not happen. Thank you for your loyalty and especially for not telling anyone how I myself Behaved towards you ". Her voice was firm and confident,but I could read in her eyes that she wasn't having a good time at the moment. I assured her that she could always rely on me and that no one would ever find out what she said to me. We can sort this out between ourselves. Are adult people. 
I have to say, I am "made of tough stuff" and can take a lot. If someone is not doing well and is in a bad mood, that's not a problem for me. Especially since Ana had always behaved correctly towards me for years, there was no reason to chat over she. Especially not with other colleagues or bosses.
I believe that was when she began to trust me. It often felt like it used to between us, but in some situations it felt closer. My need to comfort Ana grew stronger. Especially now after the conversation in the cafeteria. Still, I was reluctant. It was really difficult for me to interpret. If I took one step towards her, she took one back. Then she came up to me a bit and I didn't know what to do. She built her wall at work for over 20 years and really no colleague has seen her sad before. I think that's a reason for this back and forth.

I hope I haven't written around too much. I just want to start over because these obs are very important to me. How it started until she collapses Ana and I have lived and endured a lot together when we worked together and I never expected us to be good friends.
Here It's in good hands https://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/happy.png

More to come very soon.

 

October 19, 2021 10:30 pm  #2


Re: Boss obs

Beautiful and very touching, I can relate, I am always that "nothing happens' guy, I am always on the happy side.

 

October 19, 2021 10:50 pm  #3


Re: Boss obs

Yes, it was touching, but also very exhausting for me. My urge to be close to her and comfort her, but I didn't know how. It was a balancing act because I could have ruined everything if I was too hasty. I've never had anything like this before.

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October 19, 2021 10:59 pm  #4


Re: Boss obs

I guess it was a rarely seen part of her, had she seen you cry before?

 

October 19, 2021 11:08 pm  #5


Re: Boss obs

Yes she saw me cry and she was there for me. However, that took a while.

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October 19, 2021 11:10 pm  #6


Re: Boss obs

I'd love to read that obs as well, was that before she broke down, or did you gain confidence to cry in front of her after she cried in front of you?

 

October 19, 2021 11:31 pm  #7


Re: Boss obs

I will of course also describe these obs here. I had some major breakdowns. Especially when we found out that we would no longer work together. That was really bad for us. Before she cried, I only had little ones. It was out of anger. Ana then calmed me down. On days when I was not feeling well, I lost a few tears out of grief. It didn't happen that often, but sometimes my tough shell breaks

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October 19, 2021 11:47 pm  #8


Re: Boss obs

I'd love to read your obs as they happened as your relationship became more deep.

 

October 19, 2021 11:56 pm  #9


Re: Boss obs

I'm writing what's next and google translate is writing weird things ... lol .. I'll post it here tomorrow because I have to sleep now. it's 2:00 a.m. here

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October 20, 2021 2:30 pm  #10


Re: Boss obs

I often had the feeling that Ana was looking for my closeness. We drank coffee together, but talked a lot about irrelevant things, laughed a lot. One morning I came to work (we had to be there 30 minutes before the actual start, in case there was something to talk about from the night. Ana, other colleagues and I were among the employees who did not work shifts - so always from morning until afternoon) and Ana wasn't in her office. She was in a room where we had conversations with clients. If there were no appointments there, it was not used. It was at the end of a lower floor and was very nicely decorated. She just sat there and stared straight ahead. Then Ana looked at me. At first I thought she was sending me away. But she said nothing. Her eyes were a little red again. A roller coaster rode in my stomach. I so hoped to see her tears. One tear would have been enough for me, I was so starved. I wondered how Ana is crying. Loud, soft, what will your voice sound like? I would have loved to hug her, but I held back.
I decided to get the two of us coffee and bought her favorite candy (I haven't had as much coffee in my entire life as I did when we worked together..lol). I handed her the coffee and put the candy down. Then I sit down across from her and wait. I didn't look at Ana because I thought she was uncomfortable. Then she said she was in this room often and gladly. Away from all the loud noises and gossip from employees and clients.
She sipped her coffee, held the warm cup in her hands and looked at me. I looked at her cup in her hands. I'm sure if I looked into her eyes I would lose control. My emotional high was there and I would have hugged Ana. Before going crazy, I walked out of the room. As I passed Ana, I put my hand on her shoulder and caressed her. I knew it could go wrong. But it was fine with her. Ana said to me that it was good for her this morning to just sit there with me and that she is looking forward to her candy.
On this day there was an over-attack from a client for a long time. Not much has happened as we are all trained in Krav Maga. This is a martial art for self defense. Normally I had other work that day, but I was supposed to replace a colleague who called in sick. Ana conducted the conversation with the client, passed it on to me so that I can explain his progress in occupational therapy and what opportunities arise from it. The mood was tense although there was no apparent reason. The client suddenly jumped up and I was assaulted. I will not write here what exactly happened. I reacted quickly and was able to evade. The client was quickly checked by the security staff present. It's all OK. After this incident, Ana insisted on looking after me. She asked if I was in pain, she also said that she was shocked and worried. I was fine. She took care of me in her office. Since the door was open, I could see curious colleagues in the corner of my eye, they seemed to be whispering. Later a colleague said to me: "You two have been spending a lot of time together in the last few weeks. Have you become her darling? How is she when you go out for coffee?" I didn't say anything to it, and I didn't say anything to Ana either. She hadn't treated me favorably in any way. She was correct with every colleague as she was with me.
A few days later, Ana called me to her office and asked me to close the door. She told me that some colleagues had spoken to the Chief Executive about us and that we were taking too many breaks and not signing out of the time and attendance system. That was a lie. We spent the breakfast break together. During the lunch break I sat with my colleagues. We are allowed to take an additional 10 minutes "time out" every day in our institution. We spent them together. But not always alone but with other colleagues. So it came about that we took breakfast breaks together less often and moved a little further apart. That was really annoying. For some reason there was more and more pressure "from the top floor", important documents disappeared, but only from me. Ana was forced to have serious conversations with me. Since she had known my way of working for so many years, she was on my side and stood up for me with the chief boss. Rumors were spread that Ana and I were meeting privately. That was not true at the time. So Ana got pressure too. It was not welcomed when they meet privately with subordinates. Because of the climate in the department, blablabla. It was getting worse and worse. Whispering, excluding myself, the whole program.
People, I had never seen so much envy, resentment and intrigue before. When I tell you that we work in a forensic psychiatry, a therapeutic facility, everyone should think that there is civilized coexistence among colleagues and good interaction. I now think these are the worst.
I got lost in my work because I wondered what happened next. That also had a negative effect between Ana and me. I became moody towards the colleagues who then complained to Ana. Over and over again. Every little thing. Then I exploded. All the anger broke out of me. I yelled at my colleagues, which unfortunately also clients / patients had noticed. This is an absolute no-go and will be punished with a warning. I had to go to Ana for a conversation. She hung the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the office door. We sat across from each other and were more distant than ever before. I received a verbal warning from her. That made me even more angry and I felt a hot wave coming up inside of me. My eyes became blurry. I couldn't defend myself. Tears ran down my cheeks and dripped onto my shirt, which they soaked up. The first tears tickled uncomfortably and felt big and warm. I wept silently, as if paralyzed with no emotion in my face. I had clenched my fists on Ana's desk, so it hurt. Then I felt her warm hands on mine. She just put them on it. Even when I wasn't looking at Ana, I could feel her gaze on me. It didn't feel excited or disappointed, but comforting. She gave me the assurance that nothing can happen to me now. She opened my fists, deep marks from my fingernails in the palms of the hands. Ana gently stroked her. Then she held both hands and squeezed gently. That's exactly what I needed. It all felt like an eternity to me. Then she got up and stood next to me. She pulled my head to her stomach. One hand rested on the side of my head, the other slowly stroked my shoulder. My tears now ran down the sides of my cheeks, Ana's dress caught them. Ana said to me: "We will manage this together. I stand behind you and we will find the colleagues who are causing trouble here". It was my first little breakdown with Ana and it was doing so well. When I had calmed down, we left the office. Ana stood next to me and I apologized in front of all my colleagues for my outburst of anger and then I lied: "Thank God I didn't get a warning." It fell silent. The faces of colleagues was all I wanted to see. Except for two colleagues, all looked confused. The other two looked at me angrily and I looked seriously at their faces. It was exactly these two people that I suspected. Then I said, "That was just a joke. Got the warning." After a few weeks it was confirmed that the two colleagues were behind all the chaos. They were transferred to other departments separately from one another. It no longer bothered anyone that Ana and I spent the breakfast break together again.
The conversations between us had changed. Between irrelevant stuff there was always more profound and personal. Every now and then we acted just for fun, shoulder straps. It was no longer a secret that we got along very well and it didn't bother anyone. I got exactly the same announcements when I didn't do something well, like everyone else. Ana also became more accessible and open to the other colleagues. I think that strengthened acceptance.
Then we got a new head boss and he brought with him outdated psychology in dealing with clients / patients. It was desperate because by and large we had a good and trusting basis with our patients. Of course there were problems every now and then, but if the patients always "functioned properly", they would not be with us. The new head boss had problems with Ana.
One day she ran into her office and slammed the door. I could read sadness on her face. It got hectic in my stomach and the roller coaster was back on. After about 15 minutes, I decided to check on Ana. The way to her office seemed infinitely long. I was excited to see Ana cry today. Finally at her door, I hesitated a moment. I knocked on the door and entered without waiting. I don't know what was wrong with me at that moment. We were close, but is it enough to just go in like that? I quickly put the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door. Ana was sitting at her desk, I leaned against the wall next to her without a word. She turned her chair slowly back and forth and had a pencil in her mouth that she was chewing on. Her eyes rested on the pile of files in front of her. After 1-2 minutes of silence I asked her what was going on and at the same time I was unsure whether it was a good idea. She threw the pencil on the table, looked at me and asked: "What should I do with a guy like that? He's turning everything upside down here, it drives me crazy." (It was about the new head-in-chief) Your voice was firm. She continued to scold and I listened to the displeasure without comment. Several times she slowly shook her head and briefly buried her face in her hands. She pressed her lips together and I saw the little wrinkles around her lips. Then she breathed in and out deeply. I noticed a tear in her eyes, but it went away quickly and didn't roll down her cheek. I felt how much she pulled herself together, fought. My heart was beating like crazy and I was intoxicated. Then she undid her updo and her hair covered the half of her face that was facing me. I was rooted to the wall and couldn't see anything of her eyes. She crossed her arms and spoke softly. Her voice was shaky now. She fell silent for a moment and her shoulders shrugged very slightly. Then she ran a hand across her face. I couldn't tell if she was wiping away tears. Then she spoke quietly and shakily. I couldn't and didn't want to wait any longer and went to Ana. I gently pulled her head to my stomach, just like she did with me back then. She was still fighting back tears and I was about to have a heart attack. Every now and then I noticed the gentle shrug of her shoulders. Ana was really good at holding back. So good that I doubted again if what I was doing was okay. On the other hand, she could have rejected me or withdrew from me. She allowed me to be so close to her. Ana took another deep breath. I let go of her briefly to pass her a handkerchief to be on the safe side. She took it and turned her chair in my direction so that I was right in front of her. She looked at the floor between her legs. Suddenly a tear dropped down and shattered into small droplets. I asked Ana carefully what she needed now because we had never been to this point before and I wanted to do everything right. It shouldn't fail because of an unpleasant touch. She looked at me briefly. Her eyes were red and a little watery. In a trembling voice she said: "I want to hold on without reaching into space and falling." Her voice broke. The body twitched uncontrollably. I took her arms and wrapped them around my waist. That's it with the reluctance. Ana collapsed, cried loudly. She tried to say something, but her words choked off. She kept hugging me tight, her fingers clutching my shirt on my back. She pressed her face to my stomach, screamed louder and I felt the wetness from her tears. She wanted to say something again, but caught her breath. Panting, sobbing, screaming. Repeated in this order like an endless loop. At times she squeezed me so hard that I could hardly breathe. I stroked Ana's head and her back alternately and made slight rocking movements, said nothing, let her do it. She should feel that I am not dropping her, that I am strong enough for her grief and that I can take it. I had lost track of time.
When she calmed down, I crouched down in front of Ana and looked into her tearful face. The make-up was totally smeared and partly on my shirt. Her eyes were puffy and looked beautiful. She blew her nose. After that there was another small surge of tears and for the first time I could see your tears leaving your eyes. There were little tears that didn't know where to flow because the cheeks were still wet. I wiped them away very gently with a handkerchief. Ana didn't like that. She got up, pulled me up and we hugged each other, and in between she put her head on my sternum. There were a few quiet sobs before she let go of me to blow her nose again. I thank her for the trust she placed in me. From now on we had a strong friendship and I always had a spare shirt with me. There was no more back and forth. Ana sometimes asked me if we could hug. We were both just doing well.

further obs follow.

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