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February 3, 2013 7:12 pm  #1


Things getting worse and worse (help needed)

As you know i posted a previous obs on my girlfriend when her dad died several months ago....well we got some bad news the other day....my girlfriend's mum has now been diagonsed with an advanced form of breast cancer, and its too late to do anything except maybe give few extra months.....this happened a couple of weeks ago, but its hard to talk about, but ive decided i need to post this as i need some help....

My girlfriend had finally started to get her life back on track after a long time grieving over her father, which i had wrote about in another thread. But this latest news, is devasating for the pair of us again...When we got the news, she sobbed loudly, and ran straight into my arms...She sobbed uncontroallby and loudly, and it was heart-breaking. The thought of losing her one remaining parent, was devastating and horrifying at the same time. I took her in my arms, and repetadly kissing her on the head, and saying 'we will get through this'. Her mum will remain in hospital for a few weeks, before coming home, as she dosent wish to leave the remainder of her life in hospital. We stayed with her the night she got the news, my girlfriend didnt leave her bedside, even while her mum was asleep. She fell asleep whilst i cuddled her, wiping her tears away from her face, and wiping her runny nose with a tissue.

The worrying thing as well though since she got the news, she has become a real mess, and im really worried about her....my girlfriend...she's stopped eating, she dosent much at all....she says she hasnt got the time, because she has been working extra hard to take her mind off of it all. But she dosent eat, i have to make her drink so she at least stays hydrated, she isnt sleeping..she's breaking down crying all the time, a mixture of sadness and also the fact she's very tired and hasnt been eating, also the stress from losing her dad......she's living with me, but i dont know what to do, i love her to bits, but she needs to start eating, because otherwise she's going to start getting ill as well.....but everytime i say to her about it, we end up getting in an argument, and results in more tears being shed......i dont know what to do.....


there was once was a wise old saying...
 

February 3, 2013 10:48 pm  #2


Re: Things getting worse and worse (help needed)

Sorry to hear about the situation, Tears.  That sounds awful.  I would google how to get someone to eat, but here's are a few random ideas I had -- not sure if they would work but just things I thought of.

1) Cook her favorite dishes.  If you don't know how to make them, order them from a restaurant.  Do it in a romantic way (set the table with candles?  use the good dishes?  bring home flowers as a centerpiece?)  She may only have the appetite to nibble a small amount, but you are showing her you care, and with all that effort put into it, you'd think she would try to stomach at least some of it (unless she has an eating disorder like anorexia).
2) Buy those protein type shakes -- you know, those meal substitutes drinks (like Ensure) for people who can't eat and need their nutrients.  It may be easier for her to drink something than eat.  Buy a daily multivitamin as well.
3) Using a juicer might be also be good.  When I'm not hungry, I'm amazed how many vegetables I can eat if they're served in the form of a blended drink compared to if I had to lift a fork to my mouth and eat.
4) The above are based on if she knows that she's not eating enough and her lack of appetite is due to stress.  If you are encountering denial/rebellion that she's not eating enough, then she's on the defensive.  Definitely don't nag in that case.  Don't make her feel like she's doing something wrong -- don't criticize that she's not eating enough.  Instead, I would just pamper her and show how much you love and care and are concerned.  So in other words, not saying, "You should be eating more" (because the word "should" might sound like criticism to her, like she's doing something wrong), and more like, "I'm worried that you're not getting enough nutrients lately.  I care so much about you and your health and I'm here for whatever you need..."  

If you suspect anything like anorexia, I would also google "anorexia" and see what they suggest for that (they probably suggest counselling).  But for a lack of appetite just due to stress, I'd go with pampering her with all her favorites, especially lighter foods that are easier to digest... and even if all she craves is junk food, in small doses, it's better than no food at all (at least in the short term).  Just make food and drink available and put a lot of thought and care into how you present so she's touched by your efforts instead of annoyed or feeling manipulated.  Remember how stressed out she is and how to her mind, feeding herself doesn't feel like a priority.  

If you can't cook, talk to someone else who loves her (like a family member) and maybe they would bake something special and bring it around the house.  

Good luck with everything.

 

February 3, 2013 11:34 pm  #3


Re: Things getting worse and worse (help needed)

I certainly have no experience in such things, so I'm not much of an authority. However, I recommend not arguing with her, even if she lashes out. Patience is a good step forward in this case, I think. 


Ugly crying is pretty crying
 

February 4, 2013 1:51 am  #4


Re: Things getting worse and worse (help needed)

Given what she's going through, is there possibly a grief group she can talk to?  People who are going through the same thing might make it easier for her - or a grief counselor could.  She sounds like she may need more help than you are capable of giving alone.


"We have our stalking memories, and they will demand their rightful tears."
Anonymous
 

February 4, 2013 5:57 pm  #5


Re: Things getting worse and worse (help needed)

cheers for all the suggestion guys, it does break my heart to see her like this, and has got me in tears about it, even as i write this it brings a lump to my thorat. We had a talk last night, she cried, i cried, but at the end of it, we had a big cuddle, and she fell asleep whilst we watched TV.....hopefully things will get better...im not going to go down the councilling route just yet, but tonight i shall cook her, her favourite meal, and hopefully she will eat it.


there was once was a wise old saying...
     Thread Starter
 

February 4, 2013 5:58 pm  #6


Re: Things getting worse and worse (help needed)

I agree with caircair. I think finding a grief counselor would be a good move at this point. You can offer to go with her the first time if it would make her feel more comfortable. But at this point she's mourning the loss of both parents, and that's more than you can handle alone, as much as you want to help and fix everything for her.
In terms of eating, I think woundedpuppy's suggestion of shakes is a good one. The fact is, she has to eat even if she's not hungry, and little sips of something throughout the day sounds like a doable compromise. Don't get into an argument over it, but just tell her that you care about her and need to see her taking care of herself. You have to take care of yourself too, remember.
A quick google turned up this site, which seems like a good one.
http://www.tchospice.org/grief-reactions

But I think the first, most important thing you can do is talk to a grief counselor. Try to get her to go, and if she won't, go yourself.


It is such a secret place, the land of tears.
-- Antoine de Saint Exupery, "The Little Prince"
 

February 5, 2013 12:06 am  #7


Re: Things getting worse and worse (help needed)

Oh no, I'm so sorry. I just dealt with a similar situation (lost my mother to cancer), so I know it can be so incredibly difficult. Hugs to you and your girlfriend. My heart aches for you guys.

I just want to second (third?) the advice that you should consider going to a grief counselor on your own, even if your girlfriend is hesitant to go herself. Even if you just went to a couple of sessions, a counselor can help you come up with some ways to help your girlfriend through this, as well as help you manage your own stress so that you can feel more grounded for your girlfriend. It's hard for everyone involved.

Also, I'm like your girlfriend in that when I get extremely anxious or upset, I lose my appetite. So I can understand her aversion to food. But of course, she does need to eat and drink, so I think the shakes are a good idea. They have more substance than plain liquid, but they're easy to get down. Even if she just has a little bit, it will help. Keeping herself hydrated and keeping her blood sugar at a normal level will also help her deal with everything more easily. I know that even when I'm not under any stress at all, low blood sugar can make me irritable and overwhelmed, so adding such enormous stress to that makes it so hard. I agree SO SO SO much with Woundedpuppy: be as caring and compassionate as you can without getting critical. Cook things she loves, buy her ANY food that she wants. If she isn't eating, it's important to get in whatever she can stomach, even if it's something unhealthy. As the shock of the diagnosis lessens, I'm sure she'll find herself eating a bit again.

Feel free to vent here anytime and talk about things if you need/want to. Also, feel free to PM me; I know how hard this is and I'm always willing to talk. ((hugs))

 

February 7, 2013 6:01 pm  #8


Re: Things getting worse and worse (help needed)

today was very difficult......I had been to see a grief counsellor yesterday on my own, to get some help and some ways to get the pair of us through this, and so today i sat down with my girlfriend, and told her where i had been and what she had said. She didn't react well, and thought that i couldnt deal with her anymore and that i was looking for a way out...i was stunned, i told her it had all been for her, and that i loved her more than life itself, and that i just wanted to help her get through this....we had a big argument, and everything that has happened over past few months just seemed to all come out in this one big blow out....she asked me to leave after it all, and so i did. However nearly 2 hours later, i got a phone call from her, asking me to go back and see her.....i did. When i got there, she was in pieces. Tissues surrounded her, tears still streaming from her face, when i got in, she threw herself at me, and wanted me to hold her, so i did...she then kept apolgising for her reaction, and i told her it was ok, and i understood, its a very hard time for her at the moment, and i just held her in my arms for a while, whilst she cried into my arms.

things are very difficult right now, and im struggling to cope...


there was once was a wise old saying...
     Thread Starter
 

February 7, 2013 9:06 pm  #9


Re: Things getting worse and worse (help needed)

First off, her reaction is not your fault.  She's so completely turned around by this that I doubt even she knows what she's feeling from one minute to the next.  You did the right thing, going to the grief counselor, even if it feels wrong right now.

Just keep letting her know you're there for her, fix her favorite foods, hold her when she asks, etc.  As much as you're struggling, she's struggling twice as much. 

In the meantime I'm keeping you both in my thoughts and sending comforting mojo your way.

 


"We have our stalking memories, and they will demand their rightful tears."
Anonymous
 

February 8, 2013 6:26 am  #10


Re: Things getting worse and worse (help needed)

I'm sorry you had such a hard day. I'm sure she's just so overwhelmed that all of her emotions are coming out in all kinds of crazy ways. I'm so glad you went to see the grief counselor, and I think that will really help in the long run. Keep doing what you're doing; you're a fantastic boyfriend to her.

 

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