The one thing that seems to get to my husband emotionally is the feeling that he is a poor provider because of our financial issues. Most of the tears I've seen from him have been related to money worries.yesterday the electric company to shut off our power, which we thankfully to avoid.when my husband came from work I could tell he wasn't himself.I asked him what was wrong but he kept insisting he was just tired.after a while I said"are you sure your just tired?" He said "well that and I have no money." I had made a couple of sales of the jewelry I make and offered to give him what I had just made but he said it wouldn't make a dent in the thousands he needed.I left it at that.

I decided though that whatever I could do was better than nothing. When he came to lay in bed where I was watching a movie after he put the kids to bed I casually handed him a few hundred dollars from my most recent sales and went back to watching. I was hoping he'd be glad our relieved but after a couple of minutes he hasn't said anything so I turned to look at him.he was on his belly, his glasses were paying next to him and he was propped on his elbows with the heels of his hands pressed into his eyes. I tried to make a joke "hey, I'll take it back, you know"
He just gently shook his head. I put one arm over his back and wrapped my other arm around his head. He removed his hand and learned into me being his face in my elbow and grabbing a fist full of my sleeve. I felt his hit tears running down my arm while he as usual flight to control his breathing, deep breaths never letting a sob out.
"It's ok" I told him. He said "its not ok. I can't support my family.don't tell me it's ok."  " I said that's not what I meant.I meant its ok for you to feel upset."
He stayed like that a while longer fighting to call himself.I turned into my back and he lay on my chest starting into space. I saw one year slowly form and make its was down his nose.I felt more from his other eye down into my top under him. After a while he sat up, not crying but looking miserable. He said he was going to try to go to sleep going it would make him feel better. I knew though that that's what he does when he is trying to escape his feelings.he tries to sleep them off. I waited a minute but he made no move to get ready for bed .he just started into space.
I wrapped him in a tight hug and instantly felt him fighting tears again. He held onto me tightly, his face in g the crook of my neck, forcing his breathing. Deep breath, hold, long exhale. I could feel the tension in his body and the shadows in his breath as he fought to maintain control.
I whispered in his ear "I've got you.let it go.just let it go" . Very much to my surprise, he did. For the first time, ever, he just held me and sobbed. Ifelt the tension in he back release as he gave in and stopped fighting for amoment. Icould feel warm dampness soaking into the shoulder of my blouse. I held him tightly, encouraging him to let it go. For about a minute and a half out two minutes he alternated between holding his breath as long as he could and giving into loud hacking sobs in my shoulder. I may have ruined it for him though because I didn't realize how tight I was holding him. suddenly he wiggled out of my arms saying " I need air" I had smooshed his face into me it seems. When he pulled away his eyes were swollen, his lashes were wet and he kept sniffing. I layed  on his chest for a while. Then we started to tease each other. We both have hair loss. I told him i would race him to see who goes badd first.he laughed.we both went to sleep.

This morning he took my hand as we left the house and said "thank you for last night." He was in a really calm mood this morning. I guess he needed a release. I'm glad he was able to open up, even if just for a couple of minutes.