I know that you all would like me to describe tears flowing down my face, sobbing, but I am not ready fort hat. That’s why I will describe you how it feels not to cry from an experience last week. I never felt something similar in my life. I am quite used to not cry, I know the lump in the throath, I know the watering oft he eyes, the running nose – but this time was different.
I was in vacation together with my family. We rented a car in a country where you have to drive on the left, whereas I come from we drive on the right hand side. It is a little bit tricky, especially at the beginning, not the driving on the left but the size of the car on the left hand side. Crossing cars always seem to bee much too near to the drivers side and the fellow passenger is shrieking in dispair of hitting the wayside because the driver tends to drive very close to the edge of the road. We are bouth driving my husband and I and we have the same problem and it was something like a running gag  «careful, I have to squeeze in my buttock, you are driving very left ».
The first drive my husband got in the car on the wrong side and I was the one at the steering weel. Actually he said he didn’t care who is the driver first, but I guess that is when the whole mess started. Our kids were booing out daddy from the back sits, that mommy is the first driver and took it very funny.
In the following days we changed the driver evey day my husband and I and I soon stopped doing the «be careful my bootock» thing. As for my husband he couldn’t stop nudging at my driving style. I told him it was not funny anymore but he couldn’t stop. When somebody is nuding at you the whole time you get insecure driving and I asked him if he would like to drive instead of me but he didn’t want to because ist was «my day».
One day I got loud when he did his thing again and told him «Just stop, I am doing my best, I can’t just hit a crossing car whereas driving left and touching some weeds withe the side of the car is not a problem». That was the point wher my husband completely flipped out. You have to know that he is of «the angry type» with a violent temper. He shouted at me that he would like to hit me straight in the face and that I would be a case for the mental hospital. That hurt so much. I was still driving and had to keep driving, no sound from the backseats from the children and I knew that they had been shocked as well.
I couldn’t reply at that moment, just later on I asked my husband about some respect and he laughed me straight in the face.
For the feelings : it wasn’t just clenched teeth, lip biting and the lump in the throat and not being able to talk, this time it was more. The lump grew into a havy stone first sitting in the throat, afterwards going down to the chest, just sitting there and make it very difficult to breath. It was a physical pain, muscles cramping from the neck to the throat, down tot he belly. It was searing hot inside and I felt sick. But the worst was my head: my eyes felt like popping out any second there was such a pressure on them, no moist in them just dry like a desert. There was a weight pounding inside my skull affecting my front, it felt like somebody was inside my head punching my brain out.
My thoughts were rushing and I was on autopilot, it felt like a survival modus. I had to just push away what I heard from my husband to keep going. After an hour or so I was able to  breath normaly, just my head stayed on for a much longer time.
I was not able to cry later, the moment was just gone. Even writing it down now makes it seem lesser than it had been to me, like a bagatelle not being worth to cry about.
Did you ever experience something similar?

Last edited by flatter (August 2, 2017 7:03 am)