So this week my boyfriend and I had a bit of a difficult conversation, in which he told me that he needed to feel more sexually wanted by me (as opposed to simple love and affection, which I provide plenty of). This is something I have a bit of a hard time with, being a little self conscious about being "sexy" etc, and also generally being unable to distinguish sexual attraction from emotional attraction since they're so tied together for me. We ended the first part of the discussion with him telling me that I never have to feel ashamed about anything with him, and that anything that turns me on is automatically a good thing in his eyes. 

I mentioned the fetish once, briefly, very early on in our relationship (so like 4.5 years ago) because I didn't want to waste my time with someone who wasn't going to be cool about it like my last boyfriend wasn't, and he was fine with it. And this conversation made me feel like I should bring it up again, even though it makes me super uncomfortable to talk about.

So later I asked him if he even remembered that this was a thing, and he did, and I explained it a little more fully. I said that this was a hard-wired thing for me from early childhood, talked about the elements of intimacy, release and catharsis that I think tie it in to sex for me, the three prongs of aesthetic/emotional/sexual, etc etc etc.  He said it makes sense to him and he finds it interesting because it's "different" (his word). 

Also? It turns out he's been playing on it the whole time we've been together. Like wtf. He knew that after he'd been crying was the best time to initiate sex with me, and he enjoys the feeling of it. He said that it doesn't make him more/less comfortable crying in front of me because I never mention it in the moment and he doesn't usually think about it at the time. Which I find hard to believe, but okay. 

He said that he doesn't think he'd be able to really incorporate it into sex (read: cry for me), not for lack of willingness just for lack of the ability to cry on command, which I'm fine with and honestly don't think I'd even be comfortable with that. But now I'm wondering if I could ask for other things, like if he's crying could I ask him not to wipe his tears? Or ask him to talk to me about crying while we're having sex? Just my two first thoughts, since it sounds like he's game to try things. Anyway I'm going to marry this guy so hard, he's amazing.