H: sorry, going to have to take a raincheck on tonight, i'm not fit for human company today LOL.

C: that's fine! i was pretty tired from work anyway. are you doing okay?

H: so me and jason broke up like. last week, right? i told you that whole story.
H: it was amicable and all that, we both knew way before we made it official that it wasn't really working? we're just not right for each other as anything more than friends, yknow how it goes sometimes.
H: but he just finished moving all his stuff out to his buddy's place last night.
H: i have no joke no exaggeration been crying for the entire. day.

C: aw, honey

H: i'm fine! i'm literally fine i didn't even want him to stay, it's so nice to have the place to myself again.
H: i guess the fact that it's such a big change is what's getting to me.

C: do you want to talk about it?

H: i don't know what's even there to talk about, i'm just a mess.
H: this isn't the kind of breakup that people cry about. it's literally fine.
H: (i say, when my pillow looks like this)
[a picture of a pillow with several visible wet patches in various stages of drying]

C: maybe talking through the day will help you process it?

H: maybe
H: i guess it started last night, the couch was getting all piled up with his stuff so we were still sharing, and then he left last night and it was so... quiet. and still. and empty. i was curled up on on the far side like there was still someone with me but i knew there wasn't.
H: i get crying about that, it was. weird. and lonely.

C: yeah, that makes sense.

H: i haven't cried myself to sleep since i was a kid. speaking of weird!!
H: but then i woke up this morning and i just.
H: rolled over on my back and looked over at the other side of the bed and got all choked up just seeing the empty pillow.
H: i was fine for a bit, i got up and made coffee and had breakfast and then in the shower (cause i still thought i could get my life together enough to go out tonight, LOL) i started crying again
H: it was like a movie scene, except kind of pathetic.

C: you're not pathetic <3

H: aw, thanks <3
H: so i was like okay, weird, but i guess the shower's a normal place to cry.
H: finished up, got out, dried off, got ready to do my skincare and all that
H: instead i just stand there for like ten minutes weeping into a washcloth
H: did you know i was this much of a tear fountain??
H: i had to take a picture of it. it's wild.
[a picture of a crumpled grey washcloth with a large damp patch]

C: i mean, there was that one time when we were at that one party and completely drunk and you cried into my shoulder until that one song you like distracted you. at least two people asked me if someone spilled their drink on me.

H: i have no memory of that but i believe you
H: so, i finally accepted skincare wasn't going to happen and sort of puttered around looking for something to do
H: but everything was basically clean, cause we turned the whole place over separating our stuff out.
H: so i'm just walking from room to room looking at all the weird empty spaces and crying about it

C: seems like a pretty normal thing to cry about

H: it's just funny because if you asked me a week ago if i was looking forward to jason's stuff not being all over my place i would have said yes.
H: but it's just

C: weird?

H: so weird.
H: i ordered something for lunch and the delivery guy must have thought i was in mourning. i didn't realize until after i had these big teardrops all over the front of my sweatshirt. not to mention whatever my face looked like. i almost put on those big sunglasses but i'd rather not be assumed hungover at 1pm on a friday.
H: hopefully he remembers the nice tip and not my face. LOL.

C: i'm sure he saw weirder just that one shift

H: yeah but it's the principle of the thing
H: i thought lunch would help but no dice, more crying
H: decided just to go back to bed
H: which is where i have been for the last. three hours. slowly turning my pillow into one of the great lakes.

C: do you feel better?

H: from the talking about it? i guess

C: i meant from the crying

H: i mean it's probably good for me. or necessary or whatever. the actual feeling of. loss or emptiness or fear of change or whatever comes and goes but the tears just sort of keep going.
H: kind of impressive honestly.
[a video of a woman's face, flushed and slightly swollen, her cheeks so wet with tears that individual tracks aren't visible. her red-rimmed eyes blink, and three tears drip in quick succession from the lashes of her right eye, landing on her sweatshirt, and two tears trail from the corners of her left eye down her cheek. she smiles weakly at the camera. more tears follow the two paths on her left cheek, and one tear trails down from the middle of her right eye. the video stops there.]

C: that is kind of impressive. make sure you're drinking water, okay.

H: i am! it only looks like i poured the entire contents of that giant water bottle you gave me on my face and pillow.
H: promise <3

C: okay <3 do you want me to come over? i can bring ice cream.

H: nah i'm probably just going to take a nap and see if that helps my tear ducts get the memo it's fine actually.

C: it's okay if it's not fine, yknow? it doesn't have to have been awful or perfect to be something you're mourning.

H is typing...
H is typing...
H is typing...
H: actually. ice cream and company might be nice.

C: omw <3

H: <3