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October 11, 2018 6:31 pm  #1

Erin :(

Back before anyone, including myself, knew I had Social Anxiety, when I was just thought to be "very shy", I almost killed myself over a girl.

I'm gonna say right off that I don't talk about Erin with anyone.  I don't like to, it's hard, and I feel like I have no right to talk about her.  It was a bad experience that didn't have to be as bad if the school district had any tact.  I still feel terrible for scaring her, and it's a memory that haunts me to this day.  It's why I never really open my feelings up to women I like.  I got lucky with Sarah later on, and even that didn't last long because of how I tended to keep my distance.

It was freshman year in high school.  We were at lunch.  Well, April, one of the girls I sat with, and I were at lunch.  Erin was nowhere to be seen.  April told me that her brooch was stolen by this kid Angelo, and she had to go to the Dean's office last class to file a report.
Earlier in the day, I told April that I like Erin, and she said she'd help if I wanted it.  I was scared to ask her out.  But we all ate together at lunch so that was when April said I could make my move.  5 minutes into lunch, Erin came speed walking in.  She had her jet black jacket on.

"What did they do?" April asked

"I don't wanna talk about it." Erin said quick.  She sat next to me, put her head down, and bawled her eyes out.  I put my hand on her back, she didn't shake it off.

April went over and knelt down in front of her and said something quietly.  I remember she glanced at me when she did this.  "I  could use one." Erin replied   She quickly shifted in her seat and opened her arms to me.  Her lips were tucked in and she had tears trailing down, on one side, a trail would stop in front of her nose and the other would go right to her mouth.  The other side I actually saw a tear clear her cheek and go down to dangle off her chin.  I put my arms around her and she had her cheek up against mine, like pressing it against me.  April went around behind me so they could talk face to face. She didn't let go of me that entire time.  Her chest was heaving with her sobbing and her voice broke so many times.  It was her word against his and there wasn't any real evidence that he took it, so nothing could be done.
She actually didn't stop hugging me until she had calmed down significantly.

Erin did not want to go out with me unfortunately, and we lost contact after Freshman year.  

Things got bad after that.  Social Anxiety + Abusive Father + Crushing Hard on Her = bad times.  Enough that the school sent me away to a clinic, which did help me in fact.  Not with the dad, but I was given meds for the Anxiety.  Of course they had to tell her what happened, too.  So I became the scary stalker guy.   (I didn't do anything to her, not follow her, or send her notes, I only ever saw her in passing on the way to my next class, but I did become suicidal over her) 

We never made eye contact afterwards.  I hated myself even though I know I never did anything.  I still do, but not just for that reason alone anymore.


October 11, 2018 8:21 pm  #2

Re: Erin :(

Guess ir must have felt great hugging her while she sobbed, feeling her abs muscles shake with each sob, hear her voice break, feeling her tears on your cheek as she relies on you.

Too bad it didn’t work out.


October 12, 2018 2:55 am  #3

Re: Erin :(

Whew. I'm actually starting to breathe heavily and my eyes are starting to burn with tears of my own, because this is an experience I sadly know all too well.

As well as having Social Anxiety of my own, I was diagnosed about a year and a half ago with PTSD, and at the crux of that diagnosis is the trauma I endured when multiple strong crushes of mine, including my emotionally abusive best friend in college, accused me of stalking or harassing them, never properly giving me the chance to defend myself. While I am able to talk pretty freely about most of them, there are definitely a few that I dare not bring up, for fear of sending myself down a spiral I'd rather not go down.

I am truly sorry that this happened to you, and thank you for sharing it with us.


October 12, 2018 3:13 am  #4

Re: Erin :(

It was really hard.  She never filed any charges, and the police never even got called, I was just blacklisted by the school board and all of her friends and family.  Honestly, it's probably been forgotten about, by her, but I still can't even look at her fb page because I feel like I  would be crossing a line.

It's a miracle I was allowed to come back at all, but mom persisted, and Heather was there so I didn't want to go anywhere else.  (I didn't tell anyone this was the reason, of course)

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