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July 2, 2019 7:58 pm  #1

I Hate this Fetish: Obs and Venting

I'm so frustrated with this aspect of myself right now. My partner just lost a friend, and is also dealing with a lot of other stresses, and when I came home today, they had apparently just finished crying in their car for a while. They went to the bathroom, and I heard the sound of them blowing their nose, and came back with a breaking voice and occasionally wiping their eyes and curling their lips. I've never really seen my partner cry in the over two years we've been together, and rather than purely enjoying it, I just found myself frustrated. I told them that they don't have to hold anything back for me, and they snipped at me, saying that they weren't doing it for me, but for themselves, because they had already cried a lot this afternoon, and hate having breakdowns like that. I understood, and they went to take a nap in my bed.

In the short time since then, I've been feeling my own frustrated emotions, on the verge of tears myself. I hate my own emotions, especially when they mean I can't be there for other people in the way I want to be. On the other hand, I hate feeling like I have to swallow my emotions any time someone I'm close to is upset for justifiable reasons. I hate that this is the first time I've really seen my partner like this, and I hate that I missed my real opportunity to comfort them. And possibly most of all, I hate that this is something I care about. I'm just so angry at myself for not being able to just be there for someone without feeling too much of the other person's emotions as my own. I hate that I have this sick, perverted attraction to other people's vulnerability, and I just hate everything right now.

I want to not be on the verge of my own tears. I want to not get so upset when other people around me are struggling for real reasons. I hate that my emotions are just fake and affected by others, rather than my own. I feel like a narcissist trying to take other people's pain away and make them care about me instead. I just hate it!! And I just hate that on some level, there's a part of me that will never forget this. I feel sick, and disgusting right now. I don't want to take away from someone else's real problems for my own stupid, narcissistic ones, or worse, for my own perverse pleasure. I'm disgusting. I hate this. I hate myself.


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