I have been anticipating my first post on this forum for awhile now, so here goes nothing! Any and all feedback is appreciated! A few days ago, I became extremely overwhelmed with everything that was happening in my life. Typically, I am used to just repressing my feelings so that I can focus on my work and day-to-day schedule, but since starting therapy, it has been difficult to hold everything in. On this particular day, I remember waking up in a sort of sour mood. Although I tried to stay optimistic as my day carried on, I kept feeling a growing lump in the back of my throat. I was able to subside the urge to cry for most of the day through gentle coughs, but once night fell, the lump in my throat became irritatingly prominent. So, I decided to go for a drive to clear my mind. I crawled in to the driver’s seat and started to shuffle through my Spotify playlist. Luckily for me, I live extremely close to the beach, so I parked my car by the coast, and just admired the shining city lights that reflected off of the ocean. As the music was playing, my vision almost instantly became blurry. Without even realizing it, I felt my eyes swell with tears, and my bottom lip begin to tremble and curl.  I numbingly stared off into the vastness until my tears spilled over, slowly rolling down my cheeks. I involuntarily let out a few sobs as I collapsed my face into the palms of my hands. Although no one was around, I couldn’t help but to feel embarrassed, so I alternated hiding my face between my hands and t-shirt while trying to subdue my sobs.  When I was crying, my voice and tears would fluctuate very inconstantly. There would be brief moments where my sobbing was very minimal and I felt like I was done crying; but there would be other times where I would be crying so hard that I would have to gasp for air. To me, it felt weird crying, since this was the first time I truly cried in about a year. I couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of embarrassment (despite being alone) and relief. However, even though I was feeling bloated, fatigued, and covered with tear stains and snot, I couldn’t help but admire my eyes. Although I was done crying, my eyes were still teary and glassy. The redness from the rest of my eyes and face made my green eyes glisten. 

After sitting in silence for a bit (waiting for my eyes to look less red and puffy), I eventually drove home to take a long, hot shower and go to bed.

Hopefully most of you enjoyed my self-observation. It is weird for me to recall these sorts of details about myself, mainly because I am solely turned on by men crying. But please let me know how I can improve my observations for next time! Hopefully my next post will be about someone else. (: Take care!