I nearly cried last night while talking to my boyfriend about some stuff.

Long story short, I have had some money problems in the past that are still effecting me now, and it's sort of something I don't tell anyone, because it's embarrassing and I feel a lot of shame surrounding it.

Anyway, my boyfriend has been planning on getting a new place, and he started talking about buying a house last night. We're not planning to live together yet (though we do spend literally every night together, anyway), but he was just thinking about what that would mean if he got a house - would he have to sell it when we move in together, would I move in there, etc. It just really freaked me out, because I know it's not something I'll be able to think about for a long time, and I finally needed to sort of confess what I'm dealing with. 

We were in bed and I had my head on his chest, and I felt like crying, but my body wouldn't let it happen. I knew it would feel better if I did, but every time I thought I was going to, I would tense up and prevent it from happening involuntarily. He could tell something was wrong, and finally I told him how I was feeling. He was really great about it, and treated me essentially as if I was crying by comforting me. He held me and stroked my hair (which I've discovered is my absolute FAVORITE thing that he does - it's so soothing) and talked to me and eventually made jokes to cheer me up after we had our serious conversation. He kept looking me directly in the eyes, which I usually love, and I still did, but I also felt incredibly vulnerable and uncomfortable by it at the same time - he just had such an intense and loving look and I think I was subconsciously afraid that if I kept eye contact I would burst into tears or something.

I woke up feeling so close to him, and I think he felt the same way because he sent me such nice messages while I was at work today. I feel really comfortable with him, and I've been feeling such stress lately that I would like to just allow myself to cry with him, so I don't know why I can't!