Hi everyone, it's great to be a part of this setup! I also thank the admins for including me. So, here's my story:
I have been a patient of clinical depression for the longest time now. And I have difficulties in crying. It's not that I don't feel anything, every pain which comes just breaks me. But everyone expresses differently, and maybe that's what has happened to me - I never express it. I even tried hypnosis, but didn't shed a single drop of tear on command. This suppression of my emotions has always been the case, I am a person like that. I don't cry or laugh so easily. 

So what happened recently was, that my therapist suggested I join something productive, which deals with human emotions. I joined theatre, and this world of method acting is very different from what we see in movies. Every emotion, every single thing has to be felt before doing and saying. Since I have problems expressing myself, my guide suggested I watch videos of people in extremely painful situations. That's when I started watching very intense and emotional videos, and from there I developed a love of watching people sob. The moment I realised that I was literally 'enjoying' seeing someone cry their heart out, I felt so embarrassed and useless that I immediately told my therapist, and I remember how disgusted I felt about myself. I already have a very low self-esteem, but this particular realisation wanted me to just die. I felt like a sadistic person who wanted to watch people sobbing hard. The kind of sobbing I like to see is extremely painful, and people can hardly breathe or speak. It's very painful to watch them cry, but at the same time, I want them to cry that way. I am still soaking this up. 

Well, here's another bit of embarrassing information I'd like to deliver (It's still embarrassing for me to say this). I don't like watching people just cry, shedding tears or even howl their hearts out. A lot of people might have Dacryphilia here, so they probably might understand. I particularly prefer the hiccupy sobs, where people struggle to breathe or breathe very rapidly. Might be called hyperventilating. I don't need tears, sound or even sniffs if I watch someone having some painful hiccupy sobs. Even when they stop crying, they keep on hiccuping (or whatever that might be called). The way their neck moves, that's exactly where my fascination is. Unfortunately, those are very hard to get. I won't say it arouses me, but I would want someone to cry like that if they do, and I would hug them and console them, soaking their tears in my fabric, and feeling their face, their neck on my hands or shoulder. I was trying to find out on the internet if this behaviour of mine is abnormal, and that's when I found out about this community. Now I feel a little comforted about my situation, looking at people who are somewhat keeping the same fascination lol!

Writing about this was very embarrassing for me, I hope people understand my situation before judging, and let me know if they share a similar kind of fascination to me. I also have an underlying big D, probably that too has contributed to this, as said by my psychiatrist. This thing is very new to me and I never thought such fascination could even exist (my bad). Looking forward to engaging with you all, and sharing our respective choices! Would like to speak with you all! Thanks again for making me a part of this, and the biggest one for letting me know that I am not the only weirdo lol. 

Last edited by YoursPhilip (March 6, 2025 4:43 pm)