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May 13, 2013 2:31 am  #1


What to say when comforting??

Heyy, so I'm curious what people think is the sort of "best" thing to say while comforting someone?

Whenever I picture myself comforting someone, I'm always sort of saying either "shhh, shh" or "it's ok, it's ok" but I remember seeing somewhere here that people think those aren't a good idea? 

In my mind the actual words/sounds matter less than the tone and the fact that they're sort of "slow" sounding somehow, calming the person, but I want actual ideas of what to say as well!  


 

 

May 13, 2013 4:00 am  #2


Re: What to say when comforting??

I'm a believer of the "go with your gut" school.  I've said "it's ok" at times, other times I've said "I know".  The main thing seems to be repetition of short soothing phrases.

When I'm crying, my husband generally tells me "Let it out.  Let it out."  He knows I'm a reluctant cryer and it's his way of saying it's not just ok for me to cry, it's probably necessary at that moment.


"We have our stalking memories, and they will demand their rightful tears."
Anonymous
 

May 13, 2013 6:10 pm  #3


Re: What to say when comforting??

I tend to say "it's okay" a lot. If I'm comforting my BF, I'll say, "oh, sweetie, it's okay" or something like that while rubbing his back. If it's a friend, I might say "I know" or some other short phrase, but I try not to say too much. I'll gently rub my hand on the person's back, hand, shoulder, or knee while I'm saying these things.

 

May 13, 2013 8:03 pm  #4


Re: What to say when comforting??

If my wife is crying I'll say something like "I've got you" and hug her tight if she is sobbing. I she is trying to talk while crying I don't say anything to give her a chance to get the words out - I'll sometimes wipe her tears gently from her face. I've also said "it ok" and "it alright" when she has broken down completely in tears.

For people I'm not as intimate with I've said things like "it ok, tears are allowed" or "don't be embarrased, it's fine" if they start saying sorry for getting emotional.

 

May 13, 2013 10:38 pm  #5


Re: What to say when comforting??

Well, I can't exactly contribute because (well, you know all know why), but I'm enjoying hearing what others say!  It's sort of like getting more obs posts. 

What I'm hearing so far sounds basically like what would probably come out of my mouth, though.  Hmmm, sexy stuff!  Er, well, I find it sexy... 

In movies, I actually also like a sympathetic, heartbroken sounding, "don't... don't..." or "no..." or "stop... please don't..."... but that's just because it increases the tension and highlights the empathy of the comforter who can't stand to see the other person in tears.  In reality, I can only imagine saying that in a very specific kind of situation (such as if I caused the crying and was feeling horribly guilty about it or something). 

Last edited by woundedpuppy (May 13, 2013 10:56 pm)

 

May 14, 2013 6:39 am  #6


Re: What to say when comforting??

I'm with PaperThings on this one, I usually say shh, shh its ok and give hugs.

 

May 14, 2013 6:57 pm  #7


Re: What to say when comforting??

ive had to comfort my girlfriend a lot recently and what i tend to do is

i hold her in my arms, rub her back, kiss her on top of her head, and tell i her, i love her, everything will be ok, and just to let it all out...I tell her im there for her and will always be there for her, and that she is the single most important thing in my life. I hold her as long as she needs to be held, and i make sure that she is ok


there was once was a wise old saying...
 

May 20, 2013 1:59 am  #8


Re: What to say when comforting??

I like "it's okay" but I like to make sure the person knows I mean "it's okay to cry," not "it [the situation] is okay, you don't have to cry," which can be invalidating.


It is such a secret place, the land of tears.
-- Antoine de Saint Exupery, "The Little Prince"
 

November 23, 2014 10:01 pm  #9


Re: What to say when comforting??

I held my boyfriend once when he was crying while we were watching a sad film. All I said was, "Oh, baby..." and then I put my arms round him and held him against me. That was all I needed to say, he just leaned against me and finished crying. I think I asked him when he'd finished if he needed a tissue.

 

January 19, 2015 11:15 pm  #10


Re: What to say when comforting??

It kind of depends on the person and the situation.  Once, I was comforting a male friend of mine, and I just held him and said, "It's okay, it's okay," very softly.  On the other hand, I know my boyfriend would take that to mean the situation was okay and feel invalidated, so I would never say that to him unless the context somehow set it up.  Once, the first time my bf cried to me over the phone, he was apologizing a bunch.  I said, "It's okay,"  but after the exchange was repeated a couple of times, I realized he wasn't taking it to heart, so I expanded my response by telling him he needed to get out his stress and he had nothing to apologize for.  He hasn't apologized for crying to me since.  After that, I've pretty much abandoned the short, stereotypical phrases with him and pretty much just continue to talk to him seriously about the issue through his crying, sometimes reassuring him of how much I love him.  Of course, I never really get to hold him while he's crying; he's usually either on the phone or, if in person, holding back.  When the opportunity finally arises, I'll probably tell him I love him and, if it's true in the situation, that everything will be okay.  I'd love to also say something like, "I've got you" or "Let it out," but for some reason I'm more nervous about those sorts of things, as if focusing in on his crying itself rather than the problem behind it could indicate that I have some sort of weird interest in it or something.  

 

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