So I have been in emotionally shut down mode for a while. Still am but in an effort to get a little out last week I browsed around for some sad movies. First couple did nothing. Finally I put on ps I love you. There the end got the waterworks started and on a whim I started recording myself. I guess cuz I've been crying so little lately that I wanted to preserve the moment.or maybe not.I just had the urge. The resulting video was around thirteen minutes and it was fascinating to watch.first I was crying cuz if the film but by the end u was just crying wasn't even really watching the movie any more.
it started out as just tears.they were huge and heavy.No slow trickling. They fell big and fast. Several times sliding right into my mouth.Then my breathing became ragged, my nose stuffy. Over the course of those thirteen minutes the tears feel faster and larger.around three minutes in i started sobbing softly on and off.my face and eyes got puffy and redder.around nine minutes the sobbing for more intense though still softer. The tears started coming harder and faster and I was astonished by the sheer volume I was pouring out.Sometimes two or three at a time from one eye andand big and fast flowing followed by another right after. The snot was flowing now a bit too. Towards the end around eleven out twelve minutes in I guess I must have just given in completely and I was sobbing loud and hard, tears flowing out of my eyes even as they were squeezed shut.  Oddly I realized afterwards it never occurred to me to wipe my face or my eyes. Which seemed strange to me considering what a mess I was making and I realized I don't remember the last time I wiped my face when j cried. Never noticed that before.

The while experience was bizarrely cathartic. One that I had finally cried after months of buildup and two knowing that my tears and experience has been preserved it some how made it more real, more concrete.I felt validated in a way, though I can't really articulate how or why. I think I'll likely record again if I end up crying sometime in the next six months.I'm sure that one spell didn't release everything I've had building up.

Last edited by inmyarms (December 1, 2013 7:48 am)