So as you know my husband gets emotional about our financial situation.he has an old fashioned make view of himself as the provider and protector and it current poverty is very hard on him.yesterday was tough for him because his boys who were with us for the weekend had outgrown their suits and he can't afford to replace them.he kept up a good front for most of the day.he let it his energy by helping with the cleaning. I was in my room with my ten year old making jewelry.I crochet wire, she made those rubber band brackets that are all the rage now.
My husband came in the room and told my daughter to go to bed.I asked if she could just finish the bracelet she was making.he said she could finish it in her room.she asked if she could just stay with me too she was done.my husband sighed and said "I want to spend some time with mommy now". I was surprised because he doesn't usually do this unless the kids are settled for the night.

When my daughter left the room he sank down in the chair next to me and slumped his head on my shoulder. He said "I'm not sleeping, I'm  gaining weight, the kids need clothes, I keep having heartburn, were behind on rent....." basically just letting off a long list of everything that has been writing on him all day. He spoke normally but here and there I heard him sniff and I felt like my shoulder was wet. He asked if I had received a check a friend of mine has offered to help us out.he was going he could use it to get the boys clothes.I said I hadn't.he ess just a quiet for a while.finally he sat up. I took his hand and squeezed.ss one big tear slide down into his beard. He went back on my shoulder. After a few minutes he said " its passing now.Thanks. I'm gonna go get the kids to bed".


It's interesting how our situation has created this role reversal with us.I was always highly emotional sometimes hysterecal and high strung. He was emotionally shut off to an extreme. In the heart since his sister died I hadn't seen him cry once and when he would start to feel the kids he would chalk it up to work and exhaustion. Like he didn't even recognize an emotion unless it was a symptom of something and he was just as oblivious to joy as yy pain. Now though he has been turning to me more often in little increments to let things out which is a huge thing for him. I on the other hand have shut off almost entirely. The only way I could vote with the day to day reality of living for five years in survival mode was to become numb to it.I haven't cried in months.I've become apathetic in many ways.it feels unnatural at times but it's like being on autopilot.I'm glad he's learning to feel and Tennessee because if one of us didn't we'd be a simmering volcano ready to explode. This at least allows for some valve. I can at least act as a comforter which keeps me from avoiding the reality entirely.