First off, I HATE, ABHOR AND LOATHE crying in any form, especially when witnessed by others. I tend to bottle up everything until I simply explode.

That said, there's been some rough patches ever since mid-November. I got a call from my brother (who NEVER calls or emails me!) saying that Dad was in the hospital with heart problems. He'd had a heart attack, and the doctors had done surgery to put a stent into a blocked artery. Problem was, there were TWO blocked arteries - the one they put the stent into, which is a large artery but contributes roughly 20% of the total blood to the heart, the other one was the smaller artery that contributes 80% total blood. Because of his advanced age (he turned 87 on Dec. 1st), the doctors said they could NOT do anything about the smaller artery.

As a result, he was in Hospice for a couple weeks, then moved to a Nursing Home for two more weeks, and then back to Hospice about a week ago. The last news was that the doctors were giving him between 2 - 6 months to live.

It's eating me up inside. He and I were super-super close, but I can't be there for him - he lives about 3 hours away, I don't own a car, and my husband requires constant care. We have caregivers who come in for 5 hours 5 days a week, but otherwise he needs me to help him on and off the toilet, to get him in and out of bed, even to  help him sit up at night. Meanwhile, my sister and brother and his wife are handling everything, same way they did when my Mom died of vascular dementia - they were all there at her bedside, Dad included. I was here in Big City and hadn't seen her in more than 5 years.

I know he's going to die, and part of me wants it to be sooner than later. I also know just how horrible it's going to be when he's gone. I know that, somehow, I'm going to have to find a way to sing at his service (as I did for Mom), I'm going to have to deal with finding a way to get to his city while finding someone to stay with husband while I'm gone, and I'm going to have to find a way to do my job and stay upbeat during working hours.

Every once in awhile for the last few weeks, I've indulged myself by playing either "For Good" from "Wicked" or "No One is Alone" from "Into the Woods". Both of those songs make me cry - silent tears usually.

Even writing this, I can feel my throat beginning to close, my eyes are starting to water, I sense the distress building. I can't be with him as I want to be, and at the same time I'm scared to go see him - my sister sent me a picture she took right around Thanksgiving, and he looked like a corpse already. I barely glanced at the picture before I clicked away - it hurt too much to see.

For what it's worth, Bro and Sis are very close, but they and I are somewhat estranged, partly by distance and partly by choice. We don't talk, text, email or really connect in any way. Actually I prefer it that way, we were never all that close growing up (I was older by 5 years and made to be the "substitute caretaker" when Mom didn't feel up to being a parent.)

I'm shedding tears now, I've wiped them away, and I'm taking a deep breath to go back to my normal life for awhile. I just wish I could get the phone call saying it's all over - the anticipation/dread is worse in some ways than knowing the finality would/will be.