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February 19, 2016 5:38 pm  #1


Various reactions to Your Crying by other people

As is no doubt becoming apparent I've been through a really hard and traumatic time recently. Because if this my crying ability and frequency has gone through the roof! This has meant I've cried in front of many people in recent weeks both male and female.

My crying has been very visual, I've not had the energy or focus to hide it or suppress it so rather than it being the usual wet eyed guy kind of crying its been pretty full on. I'm very much a tears kind of crier but recently I've wondered if someone has left the tap on! Most crying episodes consist of multiple flowing tears which pour down my face at a moments notice - not everyone can handle a guy shedding tears and openly cry!

​Some, mostly women it has it be said are fantastic, and actual shed a tear or two with me... see post regarding female doctor... but some have been at best dismissive at worst down right hostile! 

One male doctor in the hospital when confronted by tears rolling down my face went, "oh for f**k stake" and walked out of the room!! 

A consultant barked at me "why on earth are you! a guy crying like a woman!" 

A nurse (female) came into my hospital room, saw me in tears and promptly gave me a lecturer on why people will view me as pathetic if I continue to burst into tears! 

These were the worse cases... a female receptionist, just ignored me. A pain specialist (male) looked at me - I could see his eyes follow a tear as it ran down my face - patted me on the arm and said quickly you'll be fine - and never looked me directly in the eye again the whole time he treated me. 

The exceptions are people who have hugged me, held me really tight, cried with me and wiped my tears away for me. Most of these people have already been close to me... but some like a really friendly Irish nurse have never met me before. 

So to my question and discussion for this thread... have you experienced acts of kindness and compassion while you cried or have your tears been met with horror and a tirade of abuse. Please let me know your thoughts, stories and whether men or women are the worst or best at handling tears? Or have you been the abuser?

Last edited by tearhunter (February 19, 2016 5:42 pm)

 

February 20, 2016 12:47 am  #2


Re: Various reactions to Your Crying by other people

I can't really respond to the main question of the thread because I simply do not cry in front of other people, one of my biggest fears. (yeah i know, no issues there LOL)

But anyway I just have to say the behavior of the doctors and nurses strikes me as extremely unprofessional! Hard to believe they would act that way and say those things.

 

February 20, 2016 5:20 am  #3


Re: Various reactions to Your Crying by other people

How rude and inconsiderate! They don't have to hug or comfort you, but calling you names is unacceptable. That nurse should be reported.

I'm a woman in my early 20's and while I don't often cry in front of others, I've never had a bad reaction from friends or in school situations. From family I have (being told I was manipulative or being a drama queen) but that's another story. I think the older you are (I don't know your age) the less sympathetic people are. And they are far more sympathetic to a female crying than a male. Not right, but that is how it is.

I think I'd break down if anyone was that cold and mean to me.

 

February 20, 2016 4:04 pm  #4


Re: Various reactions to Your Crying by other people

Yeah, these three win the award for being the most inconsiderate medical professional I've every had the misfortune of encountering! The female nurse was a b***h - she also came into wash me the morning of my operation and I thought like the rest of the female nurses they'd get me setup and leave while I did the more private areas of the body! Not her, she practically stripped me and proceed to scrub me head to toe and not all nice and gentle either. I probably should have made some complaint but I was spaced out on medication, tired, in pain, emotional so simply didn't have the energy. She was a good bit older than the other nurses probably early 60s but still does not excuse her attitude. 

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February 22, 2016 10:25 am  #5


Re: Various reactions to Your Crying by other people

Aw, poor Tearhunter!  Quite shocking to hear of these incidents, really!!

I must admit, though, that the description of multiple tears pouring down your face at a moment's notice is pretty hot.  Sometimes I like a slow build-up that keeps me trembling on the edge of my seat, but an instant flood is sexy too... so powerful!!

I can't think of something right now where someone reacted negatively to my crying... other than my husband.  I mostly cry privately, I think, but when I'm with him, sometimes he gets mad and tells me to stop crying, to stop feeling sorry for myself, etc.  I think he thinks he is helping me to get over it... but I've told him that is NOT helpful!!  Most of the times I cry, he comforts me or at least lets me cuddle with him.  But during other times, when he thinks my reasons for the crying are not justified, he'll get annoyed with me and tell me to stop or tell me to go do it somewhere else.  Like he doesn't want to hear it anymore.  It doesn't bother me that much because I do think he thinks it's what he should do with me (he's a very bottled up guy himself and probably thinks it "works" for him!), but I much prefer the times he is sweet and comforting!!!!

Tearhunter, who has wiped your tears away for you besides your wife?  Or is that the only person who has wiped them? 

 

Last edited by Diana (February 22, 2016 10:34 am)

 

February 22, 2016 2:32 pm  #6


Re: Various reactions to Your Crying by other people

Diana... the female doctor I described in my other post wiped my tears away but that was more from the perspective of stopping me crying in a bid to try and stop her tears. My best female friend has wiped my tears away on several occasions as has my sister-in-law... think that's all.
 ​In terms of crying with multiple tears streaming down my face or doing the slow build-up with eyes threatening to release tears for what seams like an age - filling up then draining away - I've done both in recent weeks!  

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February 22, 2016 9:25 pm  #7


Re: Various reactions to Your Crying by other people

Can I ask what they used to wipe your tears?  Fingers, tissues, or some of each?  Details of who-did-what-when-and-how in the tear-wiping department are welcome.  

I thought of a situation where my reaction was to look away and avoid all eye contact with the guy who was crying.  It came not long before I realized I had a crying fetish.  We were in a classroom talking about his ex-girlfriend (my friend) who had broken up with him.  He wanted to find out the chances of her wanting to get back together... had she said anything about him or the breakup?  What did I think? 

I knew from his voice that he was crying.  We were sitting in two desks in an empty classroom, sitting side by side and facing the front of the room.  I wouldn't look at him at ALL.  I just felt that it would embarrass him if I looked at him or acknowledged his crying.  I wish we could have hugged at the end (I probably would have stolen a look then!), but before I had a chance to do anything like that, he got up and left in a hurry... probably ready to break down completely somewhere... sigh... to do it all over again, maybe I would have gone after him, but I would've had to have acted quickly and I didn't.  Instead, I just sat there and processed everything.  I'm not the type to push people anyway if they want to leave a situation... 

He was really just getting my opinion on things and trying to get any information I might have, so it's not really like he was looking for comfort, so I think he may well have appreciated that I didn't look at him while he cried.  I'll never know, of course.  Maybe he would have appreciated it.  Whatever the case, he was extra attractive to me over the next few days, and I knew I needed to speak to him in private again soon... we couldn't just leave things with him having run out of the room!  Then he walked by me one day and let me know that they got back together.  I have to admit, I was almost disappointed as I enjoyed the thought of another crying session.  I wish I could remember more of the obs as far as what he sounded like... I think there were actual audible gasps and that sort of thing... a lot guys will stop talking altogether when their voice gets like that, but he kept going... or stopped and started a lot, I forget... I just remember the overall intensity... oh my.........

So, sometimes people look away from a crier, but they think they are doing it out of consideration for them.  They really think they are doing what the crier would want them to do.  It's not always the case that they don't wish to face it themselves.

 

Last edited by Diana (February 22, 2016 9:32 pm)

 

February 22, 2016 9:40 pm  #8


Re: Various reactions to Your Crying by other people

In all of the above cases it was fingers, I think if they were to have looked for a tissue it would have interrupted the moment too much. They all appeared to be on the spot snap decisions to go in a wipe the tears away - if they had given it much thought they might not have done it in the end.
 That sounds like a nice obs, and so very nearly could have been perfect.

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February 26, 2016 6:05 pm  #9


Re: Various reactions to Your Crying by other people

The people who have had the most negative reactions to my crying are female teachers, professors, and other women in supervisory roles in my education. I’ve been called manipulative, weak-willed, and have been told that I am unable to properly cope with setbacks. Male educators have, on the other hand, generally ignored the tears or have been compassionate and comforting. In my pediatrics rotation in med school, I once teared up while speaking to the parent of an extremely ill child, and my (male) supervising physician took that as an opportunity to open up a discussion about the appropriateness of crying in front of patients. Apart from him, the rest of us in the team were all female, and the discussion was really in-depth and interesting.

My father and my brother-in-law are the only two males in my life who are always telling me to stop crying. As an example, I was in the car with my brother-in-law after we had just exited a very stressful situation. I was crying mostly due to relief. When we stopped at a red light, he kept trying to tell me to stop crying as he looked around at the other drivers stopped alongside us. I think he was afraid that someone would see us and judge him negatively for making a woman cry. Apart from this, males have been quite kind and non-judgmental. In fact, just this past year a man who I cried in front of the first time I met him ended up giving me a job. I briefly detailed that experience here: http://cryinglovers.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=800 
 
I think we’ve talked about this before, but I think childrens’ reactions to my crying have been the absolute cutest! Once was on a train, and a young boy (4-5 years old maybe) was sitting on his knees in the seat in front of me, just staring for  about 20 seconds with a wide-eyed, indecipherable look on his face. He then immediately turned around and sat back down. Another time my wife and I were sitting in a hotel lobby, waiting for a taxi. We had tears in our eyes and were holding tissues; she wasn’t using hers because her eyes weren’t overflowing, but I was quickly blotting my tears when they started to overflow. A little girl (again, about 4 years old) was standing nearby. While her mother was talking to the valet, the girl approached me and said “are you sad?” I answered “yes, I’m sad so I’m crying.” She then asked “are you a dancer?” At that moment, her father came and whisked her away, while mouthing “sorry” to me. To this day I have no idea why she thought I was a dancer. Adorable.
 
A memorable reaction I received more recently was from a waiter. My wife and I were at a romantic, upscale restaurant on our second anniversary. This was the first time in five years that we could easily afford to celebrate at a place like this, and we became emotional before we even got to ordering appetizers. I was letting my tears fall unchecked, and my wife was wiping hers with her cloth napkin after letting 5-6 fall down her face. There was a moment where I had (temporarily) regained my composure when our waiter approached us. The restaurant was dimly lit, I was smiling at him and the tears had likely begun to evaporate, so he couldn’t tell immediately.  As he introduced himself, I could tell he was looking at my face searchingly, as if he couldn’t reconcile my smile with the wet streaks on my face. He also glanced at my wife while talking, but did not seem to react to her obviously shaky, tight-lipped smile. He spoke for about another ten seconds when my wife experienced another jolt of emotion and tears jumped to her eyes. This time, the waiter did a double take as he noticed her clearly emotional expression and the two fresh tears rolling down her cheeks. I then sniffled, and his head snapped back to me, and I think he finally realized I was also crying, and that we were a couple. Poor guy. His expression at that moment looked just like that 4-year-old boy’s face on that train. He almost immediately recovered, and assented when I asked him to come back in about five minutes. When he came back, he brought us four more napkins, and he remained totally professional and courteous the rest of the evening.
 
TLDR: I think that, because you are a man, you were being judged for crying because people assumed that you were being inappropriately weak, when in fact your tears were totally justified. As a woman, I think I am being judged on a different scale. I am judged negatively for crying when people assume that I have a sinister motive, or that I am unable to cope with a challenge. When nobody is making assumptions about my motives, people’s reactions to my crying have been almost completely neutral or positive.  

Last edited by truffle (February 26, 2016 6:22 pm)


I'm a woman and I think women are beautiful when they cry.
 

February 27, 2016 2:10 pm  #10


Re: Various reactions to Your Crying by other people

That was such a lovely post truffle and I think you summed it up very well. I love your restaurant tears - so many unchecked tears! How I would liked to have been that waiter. http://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/happy.png

 I think you are right, people, generally expect men to be strong and not cry. Women are seen as bein unstable or manipulative if they cry - both are so wrong! Crying should be judged no wore negatively than crying. It's an expression of human emotion. I firmly believe we cry when our bodies tell us to do so, putting a lid on it and holding it in only does us harm. Unfortunately the world has light-years to go before any change in attitudes towards crying and tears will make any difference in public. Quite sad really! But, the ones closest to us understand, at least for me they do, so I will continue to cry with them whenever the emotions are to much - hopefully, eventually, I'll be better for it. 

     Thread Starter
 

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